Here is one for you!
My brother is a managerat an asda store in motherwell glasgow.
One of the security gaurds asksmy brother to check this out on the cctv.
He rewinds it to show a young ned into the lift on the ground floor, close the door, drop the trousers **** all over the lift floor and then proceed to wipe her hands al over the walls inside the lift before casually picking up her bottle of tonic wine and walking out.
My brother then proceeded to watch the next 10 mins of the tape which showed 6 managers all go to the lift and there faces apparently were priceless! lol Minging!!!

BOMM :lol:

Nice, but whats a nedgo??

ned go

ned=chav=scally=delinquent etc

Motherwell is a nice place, well it used to be. I stayed there. Then the local council decided to allow refugee's into the town. Blah Blah.
PS there were mulitple murders in the town over xmas & all to do with the refugee's being attacked. 5 people dead.
Thank feck i am now away from that scumhole.

:cry:

Should have readNED!!SORRY LOL

Mate this was young ned scum not refugees.
I tend to find that refugees usually just want to get on with making the best of their lifes.
Unemployed, weed smoking , moral free neds are the prob.
Im sure motherwell is a nice place bud, but that store is always full of nutter my bro says.
Apparently theres a guy who steals from the store called ZORO cause hes slashed so many people!

We had a period at work where a male in one of the other buildings was routinely smearing their poop all over the toilet cubicles...:nono:

and in our building it was a given no no to enter the third cubicle on the 2nd floor - as some dirty munter plopped, obviously didnt wipe and didnt bother to flush either... on a daily basis:mad:


Oh and to go one up on the letting a kid tiddle in the shop aisle I was in a store before christmas and I saw a woman with a kiddie in a pushchair who appeared to be acting really strangely. I thought she was on the rob, and kept a eye on her.. she only reached into one of the shopping bags hanging off the buggy... and retrieved a dirty nappy which she then slung under one of the shelving units..:eek:

They couldnt believe it on the customer service desk when I told them..

That seems to be a common practise for some peculiar reason.. if you have to pick boogers why not use a sheet of the toilet roll hanging conveniently next to you??:wonder:

I may have mentioned this story before...

Quite some time ago when I was working at British Midland (headquarters at Donington Hall) there was a spate of some really REALLY weird stuff happening.

It started with the basement mens toilets in the main hall being routinely smeared with excrement.

Then things started being defaced on peoples desks overnight. One manager in the area next to me found a plastic bag of vomit in his middle drawer (I was there when he opened the drawer... clear plastic bag, very liquid sick)
He also had a photo of his eldest boy defaced. That was a little scary, as whoever did it put drawing pins in the eyes.

We had these joke awards given out each year at Christmas and mine was defaced (letters rearranged / changed to spell an extremely rude word)

Lots of investigations occurred, on-site security was stepped up. Overnight guard numbers were doubled (Group 4 security). Things kept happening no one was caught.



Anyway.... I came in one morning and was walking through Reservations online booking and they were gossiping like bleeding crazy. I knew most the people in there so I wandered over, and got the full story.

Each night when it's quiet two Res agents go over to the new building and run the batch upload jobs from the Group Reservations managers office. The ONLY people in the building are meant to be the on-site security and the night res staff. Well it was the turn of two of the res girls and frankly with all the sh*t cracking off they were too scared to go over on their own (completely empty new building and you have to walk across a VERY dark quadrangle... very creepy) So they begged one of the guys to go. He agreed and went over to run the batch uploads.

He's in the office - the only lit area in the whole building and he's in there on his own. Or so he thought....

He's just running the last of the batch jobs and he hears a noise. Very clear and distinct. He pops his head around the door and looks across the deserted and barely lit floor... nothing. Checks again and listens... nothing.

Goes back to the desk and gets on with the batch upload and he hears the noise again; right behind him and VERY close.

He turns around and sees:

One of the security guards. The guy is about 17 stone and 6'2" maybe 6'3" and wearing a basque, skimpy knickers, fishnets stockings and high heels. He is sporting a HUGE erection and is jacking off as he walks around.

The res guy nigh on screams in fright and the guard who didn't know he was there, nearly jumps through the roof and ran off!

The guy seemed to just leg it and wasn't seen in the hall again!!!

I spoke to the Staff Sergeant about it and he confirmed the guy just grabbed his clothes and ran off!


So, yes there are some REALLY odd people in this world

:lol: :lol: :lol:

I'm not quite sure what the fuss is all about:confused:

Having a crap is very natural. I'll often dump a curly wurly on the toilet floor at work, no probs. I like to see the steam coming out and want other people to see my work. They all pretend to be shocked but I know they enjoy it really.

After a dump, I'll wipe my dirtbox and make sure that I don't wash my hands and then touch all the serving spoons at the salad bar in the canteen. I feel it brings me closer to my work colleagues.

I won't tell you what I do when its my turn to make the coffee and I knock one out:thumb:

You guys are just so sensitive:mad:

As this is a great poo thread, I will have to add the first story that springs to my mind.

When I was 18, me and 2 mates went to Magaluf.
One day one of the lads was in the bog and he came out with this awful smell wafting behind him.
Obviuosly me and mate 2 went in to the bog to investigate.
Looking insie the 'throne' mate 1 had left this almighty pooh that resembled a dead otter and we obviously laughed at him a touch and generally took the piss.
Try as he may he couldn't fluch the beast away so after a few minutes he emerged from the toilet clutching a clear plastic bag with the pooh inside.
Scared sh1tless..........me and mate 2 ran for our lives, only to see mate 1 go onto the balcony looking around to see where he could deposit the animal.

We watched in horror as he gazed upwards and then launched the bag sky wards in an attept to land it on the roof a couple of floors up.

A look of despair then appeared on mate 1 face and we sprinted to the balcony to see the outcome.

Well we p!ssed ourselves laughing when we saw the turd smeared all up the freshly painted White rendered walls and mate 1 looking a little embarrassed.

As you can imagine, every female he encoutered on the holiday got the full story.

:lol::lol::lol: ...that reminds me of another story, which has to be one of the funniest things i have ever seen...

....i went to benidorm about 10 years ago with with three friends. for the sake of anonimity, i will call them N, L, Ry (how many names begin with with Ry!) and me. we were all early to mid 20's and had been looking forward to the one week holiday for quite a while.

after about three days of getting up around 3pm, having breakfast around 4pm, generally lazing around until about 10pm, then going out for dinner followed by bar crawls and getting to bed about 9/10am, the following "morning" (ie 3pm) was especially funny.

we all got up and laughed about the events of the night before and decided to for "breakfast". we all sat down in this cafe (comfortable cushioned chairs, round tables, on a corner of the street outside the building where the kitchens and the bar were). we placed our orders, ate "breakfast" and then L went to drop the kids off at the pool.

after about 10mins Ry, who had been lifting one cheek and squeezing out squeclhy noises for most of the time we were in the cafe, said "oh, that one had lumps in it" and then stood up and made a bee-line for the toilets. as he stood up, i noticed a very large (maybe 100mm diameter) brown patch on the back of his light grey towelin shorts. needless to say, i was then in stitches. being the only two people left at the table and feeling slightly left out, N kept asking me what was so funny but i was in tears and couldn;t speak. after a couple of minutes i calmed down and explained, after which point the pair of us were in tears of laughter.

shortly after that, Ry came back from the toilets and said there was only one "gents" and that L was still in there. he had apparently waited outside for a few minutes in the hope that L would be out soon, but the people on the table behind him were laughing a lot and he was feeling a bit paranoid. N suggested he stand up and turn around so we could tell him if there was anything funny or embarrassing about his appearance and he agreed.

as he stood up, N and I both again burst out laughing but did manage to inform him through the tears that he had a large wet patch of sh1t stuck to the back of his shorts. well, he was then gripped by embarrassment and shear panic as his options started whirring through his mind. just to make sure though, he parted his knees, looked down and pushed his hand (palm out flat) under his crotch and wiped the outside of his shorts. as he drew his hand up he could see the stain on it, but also proceeded to sniff his hand.

i have to say that i am in stitches again and need to take a break.....there is more to come...

of course, the palm sniffing bit started myself and N off again and neither of us could get a word out. probably a good thing for Ry as both N and i were compiling a list of double-entendres

when L came back to the table, he was obviously keen to know what all the fuss was about. Ry was very quiet (which is extremely unusual for him!), and N and i were still in tears. i eventually managed to tell L what had happened and he immediately looked under the table, then at the floor and said to Ry, "oh yeah, it's all over the floor too", which further fuelled the laughaton N and i were still gripped by.

so, by about 5mins after Ry came back to the table we were sitting there asking for the bill in between roaring with laughter. it was at that point that L told me both himself and Ry had complained of diahorrea when they woke up, so L took 3 immodium (1 extra to be on the safe side...) and Ry took 13. yes, 13! (apparently if you read the medical gumph on the leaflet inside the box, one of the side effects of overdosing is diahorrea).

then came the jokes....
N: Ry, why don;t you get off that cushioned chair and pull up a stool
me: sorry Ry, but can't help ripping the @rse of out you for this
L: i've finished my coffee. was 1 enough for everyone, or shall i ask the waitress for number two's?
Ry: stop being such sh1ts

of course, this went on for weeks. whenever anyone counted anything it was especially funny.

Ry was always a hit with the ladies and when the air hostess on the plane asked what four lads got up to in benidorm, he immediately switched to "pull" mode and started telling her the abbreviated version of what we'd been up to. i then volunteered the rest of the detail and for some reason she was no longer interested in talking to him

when we got off the plane (L and Ry had been arguing on the way home about who was going to get to a phone first to make this call), Ry ran to the nearest phone to call his fiancee to tell her about his mishap. L was very disappointed.

What about Bellshill? Off topic here, but did you hear about that minister who was attacked on Christmas day? Christmas Day attack on church minister - Scotsman.com News

Certainly hard to understand at times why people are prepared to make such a mess in the toilets-or anywhere for that matter.

Another of my dislikes is when fit people use the disabled toilets and make a mess in there too!.

Les

Went to Kavos with a couple of mates (not J4ckos mate, he went the following year) but my mate Paul was afflicted with Greek tummy and was crapping regularly, bear in mind this was 1990 and he is a bit of a goon, like the time he tied his foot round the rope when on the rubber rings being towed behind a speedboat, you could see it hurt when the rope tensed but watching him porpoise when he fell off was magical, the crutches didnt help his pulling power but thats another story.

This evening we went out and he came despite his problem, we had spent ages swimming, working out, going on sunbeds and buying new clothes in the vain hope some clueless office bints from Stoke might shag us in exchange for sickly drinks of a high alcohol content, Paul looked the part in Beige jeans and a flowing white "Silk" shirt, so we started prowling the bars,on about the third Paul had some dutch courage but also the need to park his breakfast.

It was a small bar but had a dancefloor and critically a bog, not a very nice one as I discovered when I went for a pee, basically a stained toilet in a cupboard, it didnt smell good and was only acceptable if you just aimed and didnt touch anything but Paul needed an urgent sit down so off he trotted, I seeme to remember (to set the scene) lights flashing, free Shots and "What is Love" playing, possibly then SL2, on a Ragga tip, loads of totty whom we had already started to annoy, well chat up, Paul was doing quite well with one lady and was deep in conversation but had to break off and said "Well have a dance when I get back" then as was his way, he winked at her which always made me cringe but worked very well on the dim birds on which he preyed, he wasnt one to let a bout of food posioning ruin his chances of shagging some manky trout. He always did quite well, think Nicholas Cage crossed with Paul Calf and you wont go far wrong.

Off he scuttles, the DJ turns the music up in the meantime and puts a UV light on so everything white goes all purple and vivid, my matching white flouncy "Silk" shirt looked good under this I thought.

He dissapears, swaying a little, spring in his step, obviously feeling pleased and that he was onto a dead cert, ten minutes elapsed and then he emerges just as M people gets belted out, "One Night in Heaven", he saunters over to the girl and she is ready for a dance, I noticed he had fluffed his hair about and hadnt tucked his shirt back in to allow it to billow more effectively and undone an extra button or two to expose some chest.

I was sat with other mate, a little fat, very thick guy, with a pencil tache and a Bouffont hair do, p1ssed off Paul was doing so well and I was stuck sat with this pillock.

I watched him dancing, only him and her on the dancefloor, he was no moved but was enjoying himself, I was thinking the jammy get, until he put his back to me and the UV light illuminated a pattern on the back of his shirt, I didnt remember it having a pattern and why would you have one below the trouser line then I realised that it was no pattern the dozy p1ssed cnut had managed to wipe his sickly arse on his shirt !

I watched this for a while and burst out laughing, pointed it out to my other companion who also started laughing as it was very very obvious, we got his attention but he carried on until the record stopped, came over and said "whats up with you two, Im on here", we pointed his shirt out and he pulled the spare material round to the front and sniffed it, gagged, then legged it out of there, straight back to the apartment, had a shower, came back in a fresh shirt in the space of about three minutes and carried on and still managed to pull this bird !

He was good with the ladies, the following year we were in a twin room and he boned some ropey Nolan lookalike and dropped the used condom on my contact lens case the dirty fooker, I took the condom and emptied it into j4ckos mates brew inthe morning for a laugh, first sip he goes

"This tastes of Pauls Spunk"

Ok the second bit isnt true but the first is.

On the subject of lads holidays, A few years ago in tenerife my mate curled one out on the next door nieghbours patio. Very immature but when your 18 it was fantastic. Watching the cleaners hosing it of the next morning was priceless. :lol:

Kavos - Was there for 2 weeks in '88 and then again for 3 weeks in '92.
SL2 on a Ragga tip was THE tune in '92
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v3.../party0023.gif

Great place to pull, even if you go with a bird!
Went with a young lass I was seeing in '88, and used to nip to the apartment next door for extra helpings while my then girlfriend was sleeping. I woke up one morning and my girlfriend was nowhere to be seen, but one of the 'scouse birds from next door was necked in bed with me. Went for a morning p!ss and found my GF asleep on the bathroom floor. Left her there, had me p!ss then went back to bed and sh@gged the scouse bird http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v3...s/happy001.gif

Next trip to Kavos I got 52 shags (not all different birds though) during those 3 glorious weeks in '92, including 3 different birds in one night (yes I was keeping tabs)
I even hooked up with 2 of them back home, one form Leciester and one from Newcastle. :norty:

Oh the good old days, when I wasn't a fat balding old git! :(

Fantastic stories here. :lol1:

+1 :thumb:


I didn't expect all this when I started the thread. Clearly I've found SN's level! :lol1:

I'm always amazed at how disgusting some wimmins can be! There's one at work.........I'm not kidding, she can fart for England. Everyone legs it when she goes into the loo. First of all, you get the high velocity fart noises, then when she has a dump it's like a flock of geese going over, then you get the stench (I'm always worried the smell will cling to my clothes) and lastly, if you go into the loo after her, there's usually big skiddies in the pan! :eek:

Back on topic.

Links may contain NSFW material.

Old lady Squirts Diarrhea in Supermarket Aisle - NothingToxic.com

Old Woman Subtly Drops Turd in Supermarket - NothingToxic.com

Speechless.

Kavos, the dirtiest, smelliest craphole of a 'holiday resort' in the world. A group of us went several months ago.