Ive posted on this before, but I am sat at this time in a very dull management meeting, listening (sort of) to a very talkative female colleage's presetnation on our 2020 strategy.

So far I have heard....

In order to take this forward (said this at least 10 times)

The only product (players) in this space

When we drill down into this (if we examine the detail more closely)

More boots on the ground (relating to recruiting some additional people)

Bring some positive momentum - I think she ment the project will start earlier than planned.

It seems we are going to be doing a lot of game changing!!!

Roll on 1700 - I am resisting making a comment about having subtitles at the next meeting.

 

We have just had "the only way to eat an elephant is one chunk at a time."

I think that means we are taking on a significant programme of work, which will need to be broken down into manageable work packages!!!

This is crazy - I cant take anymore!!!!

 

Can anyone tell me what a paradigm shift is?

 

some more game changing needed

 

"best of breed" thrown in just then for good measure

aggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

Business space improvement - does that mean I'll be getting a larger office

 

At the end of this you'll be "touching base"

 

I need all my players match fit, and on the pitch

I've just laughed out loud at that

 

Just been asked if I am taking the minutes for the meeting!!! lol

 

And the last one - just because we have access to the whole pitch, it doesn't mean we need to play on all of it at once

Thank **** thats over - two hours of my life that I will not be getting back!!!!

 

I'd have walked out 30 mins in stating that I could no longer listen to this middle management phrase book bulls*** and that I'd return on the condition that they speak properly.

Or just question every single phrase and when/if they explain it always reply with "Well why didn't you just say that?!"

 

No 'low hanging fruit' or 'helicpter views'?

 

Hmm, I think we need to run a flag up the flagpole on this or perhaps just take a helicopter view of things.

However, I'm sensing from your non parallelling of the zeitgeist that you need to de-couple the constraint corridors in your mind and up shunt your clear sky leverage.

Remember, there's no I in team ( and me doesn't count)

Enjoy

 

I was going to mention that one, or "bleeding edge technology" Makes me want to puke (I am in sales)

 

I'm a consultant and use most of the so far mentioned phrases.

 

No amount of money could make me go back into the corporate world, so many ***** that are sooooo full of ****.

 

I was told I was facetious for asking (with a straight face) if "The Cloud" obscured management's "Helicopter View".

 

How comes everyone these days is a 'consultant', or a 'specialist'? Are you actually a consultant on something?

 

I hear this one all the time

 

go easy guys, sprouting bullsh1t for a living is not an amature sport, leave it to people working at the coal face and stop trying to boil the ocean

now I am going to drop the kids off at the pool (have a ****)

 

I am sick and tired of being told something is the "strapline..."

Sounds like something a rugby player would wear under his shorts.

Who the HELL thinks of these things?

 

Management gobbledegook for seeing something from a different view/perspective etc - shifting from 1 paradigm (model/view/concept etc) to another paradigm.

Don't you just love it

 

feel free to reach out

 

'Thinking outside the box' is a classic in my experience. Most management idiots I've come across use it in abundance, and they don't even know the meaning of the word 'creativity'.

The other one is 'empowering people'. Corporate management only empowers others as long as the cow is able to give milk to keep those senior managers in jobs. Empower others for those others' benefit, do they ****.

When any management person uses the word 'paradigm' in front of me, I feel like throwing a bar of Dime at them.

 

If you worked for me i'd sack you!

 

If you tried working for me, well, you won't get past the interview if you acted all pompous with 'outside the box' and 'paradime' type of cwap to me. I'd put you inside a box, and throw the box away as far as possible.

 

I'd like to caveat that by stating that we need to imagineer a solution to our paperclip sourcing problem vis a vis the new widget roll out.

On second thoughts let's park that offline.

 

A big part of our business is wading through endless BS and turning it into something people won't get angry at; I'm hyper sensitive to business BS and hear a lot of painful lines such as "I think we'll get traction on this one" meaning "this may be of interest to some journalists...!"

 

It's a stupid game people play to try and appear competent.

 

Blue sky thinking
De-layer
Outside the box thinking
Kick the tyres.