My wife walked into the bathroom and found me with my head in the toilet.
She said, "Stop pretending to be sick, you're still coming with me to my Mothers."
I said, "I'm not sick , I'm just getting used to the smell of ****."

 

 

 

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

Les Dawson

 

and again

The wife's Mother said, "When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave." I said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."