The Tim Vine jokes thread
06 October 2011, 04:03 PM
#2
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Grandad moved into a nursing home, so I rang them to see how he was settling in..........
The Nurse said "he's like a fish out of water"
So I said "what, is he finding it hard to adjust?"
"No" she replied "he's dead"
The Nurse said "he's like a fish out of water"
So I said "what, is he finding it hard to adjust?"
"No" she replied "he's dead"
06 October 2011, 04:18 PM
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I tried mugging an old aged pensioner yesterday.
I said, "Give me all your money now, bitch, or you're geography."
"Don't you mean history?" she replied.
I said, "Don't try to change the subject."
I said, "Give me all your money now, bitch, or you're geography."
"Don't you mean history?" she replied.
I said, "Don't try to change the subject."
06 October 2011, 04:18 PM
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"I bought some steroids, but they have some bad side effects. I've grown an extra *****!"
"Anabolic?"
"No, just a *****."
I knew this girl who wanted bigger *****, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine.
Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife, and she asked me, "How many potatoes would you like?"
"Oh, I'll just have one, please."
She said, "It's OK, you don't have to be polite."
"All right," I said, "I'll just have one then, you stupid bitch."
"Anabolic?"
"No, just a *****."
I knew this girl who wanted bigger *****, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine.
Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife, and she asked me, "How many potatoes would you like?"
"Oh, I'll just have one, please."
She said, "It's OK, you don't have to be polite."
"All right," I said, "I'll just have one then, you stupid bitch."
06 October 2011, 04:21 PM
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I went to Millets and said, "I want to buy a tent."
He said "To camp?"
I said [butchly], "Sorry, I want to buy a tent. I also want to buy a caravan."
He said "Camper?"
I said [camply], "Make your mind up."
The headteacher at my school called me in to his office today.
He said "I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?"
No, I'm irresponsible. That's why I threw it.
I went for an Indian last night. The waiter came over and said, "Curry okay?"
I replied, "Go on then, one song then you can **** off."
He said "To camp?"
I said [butchly], "Sorry, I want to buy a tent. I also want to buy a caravan."
He said "Camper?"
I said [camply], "Make your mind up."
The headteacher at my school called me in to his office today.
He said "I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?"
No, I'm irresponsible. That's why I threw it.
I went for an Indian last night. The waiter came over and said, "Curry okay?"
I replied, "Go on then, one song then you can **** off."
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06 October 2011, 04:22 PM
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I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
06 October 2011, 06:26 PM
#11
One minute I was laughing at these jokes then the next minute I was crying, it was an emotional rollercoster.
I have seven cowboy jokes and they're magnificent.
I will tell you of a group of people who are right in your face! Dentist.
If you ever get attacked by a tiger you should throw moisturiser at him, it blocks the paws.
I have seven cowboy jokes and they're magnificent.
I will tell you of a group of people who are right in your face! Dentist.
If you ever get attacked by a tiger you should throw moisturiser at him, it blocks the paws.
Last edited by stevebt; 06 October 2011 at 06:29 PM.
06 October 2011, 07:39 PM
#12
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A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that'?
The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
........
Dave
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that'?
The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
........
Dave
06 October 2011, 07:44 PM
#13
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So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
Last edited by An0n0m0us; 06 October 2011 at 07:45 PM.
06 October 2011, 10:21 PM
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This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier,
"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the Milkman" He confided,
"What? That fat ugly ****** I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes" He laughed, cheering up,
"Why would Dave the milkman want to **** that?"...
"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the Milkman" He confided,
"What? That fat ugly ****** I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes" He laughed, cheering up,
"Why would Dave the milkman want to **** that?"...
06 October 2011, 10:39 PM
#18
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Dirty Johnny is delivering newspapers.
He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, "Collect... that'll be five dollars."
She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead."
Johnny says, "All right."
He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest dick she's ever seen. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.
She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."
He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."
Dave ... never been a milkman ...
He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, "Collect... that'll be five dollars."
She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead."
Johnny says, "All right."
He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest dick she's ever seen. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.
She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."
He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."
Dave ... never been a milkman ...
07 October 2011, 08:49 AM
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my wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go
out when finally the door swung open and she asked "tell me
honestly,do i look fat in this?" i replied "yes love,but to be
fair,it is a small bathroom"
out when finally the door swung open and she asked "tell me
honestly,do i look fat in this?" i replied "yes love,but to be
fair,it is a small bathroom"
07 October 2011, 10:21 AM
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07 October 2011, 10:26 AM
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07 October 2011, 07:24 PM
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A rooster and a cat are standing by a pool and the cat falls in. The rooster laughs! The moral is: Where you find a wet *****, you'll find a happy C@ck!
My girl don't like my new aftershave chloroform. She says it makes her groggy and gives her a sore **** in the morning
My girl don't like my new aftershave chloroform. She says it makes her groggy and gives her a sore **** in the morning
08 October 2011, 12:46 PM
#30
