Chip

Greek Crisis: It looks like Greece’s economic problems could be over as news broke today of Wales’ agreement to buy the whole country, pay off all its debts and move there full time. Greece’s political elite have secretly been looking for an ‘all-out buyer’ for some time and sources close to Prime Minister Papandreou say that it was only at the eleventh hour that Wales, using its new borrowing powers, outbid the European Council itself, which had been eyeing up the sun-drenched country as new office space.
As a fresh wave of bloody riots broke out in every town, village and city, Wales First Minister’s spokesman Huw Pugh said: “We have been wanting to move to a bigger place for some time. It needs a lot of work doing to it but it’s got bags of charm, great weather and, of course, right now it’s a bargain. Who knows – once we have increased its value, we might even sell it on to Abu Dhabi or someone like that. There is also the added benefit of having much nicer neighbours than we have now”.
It’s understood that Greeks will be offered immediate Welsh citizenship but will be required to learn Welsh and be able to speak it fluently within 12 months.“Anyone who refuses or fails,” Pugh told a rowdy press conference this morning, “will be forcefully repatriated to the old Wales or taken to the border with Albania and asked to try their luck there.”
“But most Welsh people can’t speak Welsh” said Sky News’ Adam Boulton.
“You’re missing the point” said Pugh “Those Greeks cocked up their own Country before we bought it, we don’t want them dragging us down”
“Are you abandoning your old historic country ?,” asked Boulton.
“ Not at all” said Pugh “We are moving all the best of Wales to a better climate in order that they benefit from year round sunshine. Something that is somewhat alien to us . However we shall be leaving behind some traditional Welsh places that would not really benefit from the New Wales culture we are planning. Merthyr and the Rhondda Fach, because there will be no social security in the New Wales and therefore no possible hope for them. Newport & Port Talbot will remain simply because they are dumps and traffic bottlenecks - we don’t want them. Inland Carmarthenshire with all those LL names and funny accents can stay, as can Cardiganshire folk because they are all tight-***** and most of North Wales because they speak through their teeth and keep saying Pardon. Grangetown in Cardiff will also remain. You can draw your own conclusions on that decision. Also refused entry will be people from Pembroke who speak in an English accent. People from Monmouth with the same affliction will be refused. Anyone from North Wales who even remotely speaks like a Scouser will not be allowed to travel, so Lee Trundle can stay put, and Lembit Opik. Derek the Weatherman is also on thin ice, as we already know what the weather in New Wales will be like – warm".
Swansea City FC begged to be left behind to compete in the English Premier League but Pugh said they had been refused, telling them that they stood a better chance of qualifying for the Champions League by winning the New Wales premiership. Merthyr Tydfil (the Mighty Martyrs) will take their place in the PL. Cardiff City FC immediately claimed that they were the biggest club in New Wales despite the fact that 25% of their supporters, from Merthyr and Rhondda Fach, will be left behind. Sam Hamman has promised a return to the club, claiming he was half Greek. Following the move, the Welsh football team immediately jumped 50 places in the World rankings to 55. Gary Speed claimed that they were making steady progress under his management.
The Welsh Rugby Union welcomed the move and claimed the old Athens Olympic Stadium as their new home. “The finest stadium in the world” said Roger Lewis “We will bring the traditional Welsh Rugby culture there – thousand of women in red cowboy hats talking on mobiles during the game and all the men leaving their seats for beer or the toilet even 15 minutes. The Greeks will not have seen anything like it” Lewis concluded.
The Ospreys, true to tradition, immediately signed up three Bulgarians, two Romanians and an Albanian. Chairman Mike Cuddy, of Cuddy Demolition was hoping to fund the deals by acquiring new work in the run down country. He was last seen eyeing up the Parthenon.Warren Gatland claimed that playing in the New Cardiff will benefit the Welsh team. “The heat will affect those old and overweight forwards from Northern Europe”. When asked how many of his forwards were from Southern Europe, Gatland declined to comment and Adam Jones vanished to find himself a nice moussaka.
“Some changes have to be made” said Huw Pugh. “The Western Mail will now be the Eastern Mail and the six o’clock news on the BBC will now be at 4 o’clock to cope with the time difference. We also need to build bridges between the airports and the main tourist centres so we can charge them £5.30 to get in”.
Pugh also told the massed throng of phone tappers that New Wales would not join the Euro but have its own currency – the Arian. One Arian would equal One Euro and there will be 100 sioneys to the Arian. Famous Welsh faces will adorn the Arian notes. Tom Jones on the fiver, Katherine Jenkins (naked) on the tenner, making it the most popular bank note in the world and massively increasing the value of the Arian on the worlds money market. Aneurin Bevan will be on the 20, Catherine Zeta Jones on the 50 and Mickey Thomas on the 27. Neil Kinnock turned down the opportunity of appearing on a note because of his slavish devotion to receiving an awful lot of Euros.
Pugh asked all the ‘New Welsh’ to join in a spirit of reconciliation with their new countrymen. “We can’t go around calling them Bubbles and not every Greek man is called Stavros, nor does every Greek woman have more bodily hair then a small gorilla. We need them to integrate” he said “We must introduce them to our culture - Strongbow, Brains SA, Clarks Pies, Curry and not working on a Friday afternoon. They will learn quickly, they’re used to not working any afternoons”. “Everyone is welcome to New Wales except the ones I’ve already mentioned” concluded Pugh “even the English, but we are drawing lines with the Muslims”.

EddScott

Gutted

tony de wonderful

I've got no problem with Greek Women personally.

RobsyUK

iTrader: (2)

Giro pitta hmmmmm

speedking

So as there won't be anyone significant left in old Wales, we can remove all the speed limits, charge a tenner to get in, and have the world's best driving facility

sti-04!!

Fat Boy

It's only £5.80 to get in at the moment over the Severn Bridge

Chip

An absolute bargain, free to get back into England though.

Chip

David Lock

Do you plan to buld a Cardiff to Athens tunnel? Something for all those miners to do at last

dl

Chip

David,

We started it years ago, Railtrack are using it at the moment to cross the severn but we can easily and quickly extend it.

Jimbob

iTrader: (13)

Like the idea, as long as we can stop people moving into the Old Wales.

As long as everything isn`t centred around New Cardiff.

And can we also leave the politicians behind ESP Plaid Cymru??
Infact send Plaid Cymru to Patagonia!!

Leslie

Good one Chip!

Les

Chip

Thanks Les