Just to get our own back........ladies.
18 January 2002, 08:57 PM
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Sent to me by a friend, these are for the ladies....
Q : What must a woman do when a man is running around in circles?
A : Reload and carry on shooting.
Q : Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?
A : Because it only attacks the brain.
Q : What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A : A rumour.
Q : A couple are lying in bed. The man says: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
A : The woman says : "I will surely miss you"
Q : What takes longer to make - a snowman or snow woman?
A : The snowman, because you have to hollow out the head.
Well, I thought they good!!!
Joan.
Q : What must a woman do when a man is running around in circles?
A : Reload and carry on shooting.
Q : Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?
A : Because it only attacks the brain.
Q : What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A : A rumour.
Q : A couple are lying in bed. The man says: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
A : The woman says : "I will surely miss you"
Q : What takes longer to make - a snowman or snow woman?
A : The snowman, because you have to hollow out the head.
Well, I thought they good!!!
Joan.
20 January 2002, 04:34 PM
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The TRUE story of Adam & Eve...
Eve: "Lord, I have a problem."
God: "What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of
these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not
happy."
"Why is that, Eve?", came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat,
and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger,
faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's
aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way
that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel
in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.
He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the
catch, Lord?"
"Well,...you can have him on one condition."
"What's that Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...So you'll have to
let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little
secret......
You know, woman to woman."
Joan.
Eve: "Lord, I have a problem."
God: "What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of
these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not
happy."
"Why is that, Eve?", came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat,
and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger,
faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's
aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way
that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel
in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.
He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the
catch, Lord?"
"Well,...you can have him on one condition."
"What's that Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...So you'll have to
let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little
secret......
You know, woman to woman."
Joan.
21 January 2002, 08:02 PM
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Thanks Joan........My wife has all her friends here for a girly night and i'm stuck with them and this went down a treat.
Cheers
Colin
Cheers
Colin
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21 January 2002, 09:04 PM
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This will make the fellas cringe and the ladies, well, what can I say?
The trick
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge
bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that
there is a response on the monitor when she touches her. They go to
her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this
sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of
the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll
close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.
The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate.
The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling
up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
Joan.
The trick
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge
bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that
there is a response on the monitor when she touches her. They go to
her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this
sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of
the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll
close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.
The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate.
The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling
up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
Joan.
21 January 2002, 09:41 PM
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COLIN, this one is especially for you....as you are suffering.
> Betcha didn't know..........
1. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
2. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
3. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
4. A shrimp's heart is in their head.
5. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you're
heart stops for a mili-second.
6. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one
reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or
attempted to do so).
7. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
8. A pregnant goldfish is called a ****.
9. Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti
especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta
swastikas.
10. By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary
school.
11. On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and
spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
12. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received
a telephone call.
13. Rats and horses can't vomit.
14. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the
toughest tongue twister in the English language.
15. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to
suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and
die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.
16. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over
a million descendants.
17. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in
your ear by 700 times.
18. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14,
Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July
16,1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with
extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
19. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
20. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
21. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
already married.
22. A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
23. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting
on them and photocopying their buttocks.
24. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70
assorted insects and 10 spiders.
25. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
26. Cat's urine glows under a black light.
27. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
Now, how many of you tried to lick your elbow ???
Sorry it`s a bit long.....but well worth it.
Joan.
> Betcha didn't know..........
1. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
2. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
3. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
4. A shrimp's heart is in their head.
5. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you're
heart stops for a mili-second.
6. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one
reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or
attempted to do so).
7. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
8. A pregnant goldfish is called a ****.
9. Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti
especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta
swastikas.
10. By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary
school.
11. On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and
spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
12. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received
a telephone call.
13. Rats and horses can't vomit.
14. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the
toughest tongue twister in the English language.
15. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to
suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and
die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.
16. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over
a million descendants.
17. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in
your ear by 700 times.
18. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14,
Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July
16,1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with
extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
19. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
20. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
21. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
already married.
22. A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
23. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting
on them and photocopying their buttocks.
24. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70
assorted insects and 10 spiders.
25. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
26. Cat's urine glows under a black light.
27. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
Now, how many of you tried to lick your elbow ???
Sorry it`s a bit long.....but well worth it.
Joan.
22 January 2002, 07:32 PM
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Sent to me today....what we have to look forward to.
THE BOOB POEM
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his ***** in there,
And see how THEY come out.
Joan.
THE BOOB POEM
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his ***** in there,
And see how THEY come out.
Joan.
22 January 2002, 11:25 PM
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A long long time ago, God notices that Adam was feeling a bit down
God : Adam whats wrong my son, you look a bit sad.
Adam : Well I'm just lonely and I'm also kinda bored.
God : Well I can create something for you that may solve this problem. It's called a woman.
Adam : So what does a woman do?
God : Well, she'll be loyal only to you, cook for you, clean for you, does anything you tell her to and will have sex with only you.
Adam : Thats great!!! I think I want one, but what is it going to cost me though?
God : An arm and a leg.
Adam : Damn I don't think so, what would I get for a rib instead?
God : Adam whats wrong my son, you look a bit sad.
Adam : Well I'm just lonely and I'm also kinda bored.
God : Well I can create something for you that may solve this problem. It's called a woman.
Adam : So what does a woman do?
God : Well, she'll be loyal only to you, cook for you, clean for you, does anything you tell her to and will have sex with only you.
Adam : Thats great!!! I think I want one, but what is it going to cost me though?
God : An arm and a leg.
Adam : Damn I don't think so, what would I get for a rib instead?
23 January 2002, 02:05 PM
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>>>WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
>>>Yes = No
>>>No = Yes
>>>Maybe = No
>>>I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
>>>We need = I want
>>>It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
>>>Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
>>>We need to talk = I need to complain
>>>Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
>>>I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
>>>You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lo
>>>You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
>>>about??
>>>Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
>>>Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
>>>How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're
>>>really not
>>>going to like
>>>I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
>>>game on
>>>TV
>>>Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
>>>You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
>>>Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
Is this true or what?
Joan.
>>>Yes = No
>>>No = Yes
>>>Maybe = No
>>>I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
>>>We need = I want
>>>It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
>>>Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
>>>We need to talk = I need to complain
>>>Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
>>>I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
>>>You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lo
>>>You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
>>>about??
>>>Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
>>>Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
>>>How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're
>>>really not
>>>going to like
>>>I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
>>>game on
>>>TV
>>>Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
>>>You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
>>>Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
Is this true or what?
Joan.