I'm Best Man tomorrow I was just hoping for some input off of you lot regarding my speech. Any thoughts on the following?

"Good Afternoon everyone, for those of you who don’t know me, my name is Kelvin and unfortunately for you all, I’m Rich’s Best Man today.

Before I launch into my assassination of Rich’s character (only joking), I’d just like to take the opportunity to put to good use some advice that I picked up when preparing for this speech. It said “whatever you do; don’t forget to mention the bride!” Let’s be honest, how could I. Abi, you look beautiful, and [as Rich has already indicated], I know that you’ve made him the happiest man alive today. (That’s likely to be one of the few times I can say that without running the risk of a sarcastic reply, or being hit – Sorry Abi, you’ll just have to accept it today!). I'd also like to thank [Rich on behalf of] the bridesmaids [and for his words]. I think you’ll all agree that they’ve done a fantastic job today and look absolutely stunning.

Finally, I’d like to thank everyone for coming along and celebrating Abi & Rich’s marriage today. I know how important it is to both of them to have their friends, and family around them as they begin their lives together. I hope you’ve all enjoyed today as much as I’m sure they have so far.

When Rich asked me to be his Best Man today, I have to admit to being both delighted and terrified - those of you here that have been a Best Man before will have some idea of what it feels like to be standing here so if you can bear with me it would be appreciated… I won’t keep you for too long!

I didn't know Rich until a he was 16, and so I've had to rely on his own version of events regarding his early life. He was an exceptionally gifted student at school, particularly excelling in maths, science, and languages. He left school to the great sadness of his teachers with the highest grades in the country. Clearly something truly terrible has happened along the way… Some of you look shocked… I’m sure he wouldn’t have lied?!

[Pause]

He and Abi complement each other well. Abi is ambitious, motivated and loves a good challenge – in that respect Rich is perfect (!). Their romance has blossomed at an alarming rate – and after just months they were at the stage where they could have “proper” rows. Having witnessed this, it’s obvious that Rich is the boss in the relationship... Abi’s just makes all the decisions.

On a more serious note; in the few years I’ve known Rich we’ve had some excellent times together and I know that we’ll continue to do so in the future. You’re a great friend, and it’s a true honour to have been asked to be your best man. I hope I’ve lived up to your expectations. Something I’ve been told in the past is that you shouldn’t marry someone you can live with; but you should marry the person you can’t live without. This is so true of Abi & Rich - I can’t imagine one without the other and this wedding is a testament to that special something these two have for each other.
Unfortunately, not everyone was able to be here today and so I do just quickly have a few messages I’d like to read out for Abi and Rich.

[Messages]

I’d like to close with a word of “advice” for Rich that I had emailed to me earlier on this week:-

Advice: If the word “nothing” is uttered, this actually means “something” and you should be on your toes. The statement ‘Go ahead’ apparently means that at some point in the future you are going to be in mighty big trouble. The word ‘Fine’ is the word used to end an argument when women feel that they are right and that you need to shut up. Never use the word ‘Fine’ to describe how a woman looks – this will cause you to have one of those arguments. So Rich, if you hear the three words ‘nothing’, ‘go ahead’ and ‘fine’ within a couple of minutes of each other, remember you yourself have three words to fall back on, ‘yes’…‘dear’…’buy it!’

I’d like you to join with me in raising your glasses in a toast to the Bride and Groom: “To health, and happiness. May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last for ever”.

Thank you all for your attention. And let me just say that if you've enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I've enjoyed preparing for, and giving it, then I’m very sorry!"

Kelvin.

 

It sounds really good, cant see any problems with it.

 

Sounds good. Much better than the feeble effort I managed as best man many years ago. One word of advice: don't be discouraged if any of the jokes fall flat.

I told quite possibly the funniest joke in the history of mankind (using props no less!) right at the beginning, and it fail to provoke even a polite titter from the humourless bunch of plebs I was talking to. From that point I went to pieces and the rest of my speech was delivered with all the panache of a arthritic camel.

Good luck!

 

OMG try and.......



































**** the bride

 

Best line I heard was (modified of course):

Rich and Abi had a bit of a dilemma when looking at the seating plan so they decided to place those who had given the most expensive wedding presents up at the front and work back from there. So x and x, if you can hear me at the back, Rich and Abi say thank you very much for the oven glove.

Cheers
Kav

 

Try and get Scoobynet a mention

 

Thats really good. Note to self: Keep copy in case your ever asked to be best man

Only thing I noticed was paragraph 3 where you start with "finally". Sounds like your about to finish the speech when really you have only just started.

Simon.

 

If you need more help: http://www.thebestmanspeech.com/

For example, these are two ice-breaker starts...

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen - Before I start, let me just say that the formative years I spent in the company of the groom means that he had as much of a part in developing my sense of humour as anyone. So, although I have tried to make this speech as funny as possible, please blame Paul if it's not.

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen - Let me first say that the bridesmaids look absolutely smashing today, and only rightly outshone by our bride, Linda. And, I'm sure you'll agree with me gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list. And ladies, I'm sure you'll agree that today's passing by without much of a ripple.

 

Just check that it is Rich & Abi...

And don't forget (in half pished voice) that you would like to "spank the bridesmaids"...........

And as a starter this is a good old standby....

What a lovely place Little Dingle (insert name of village/area) is. I haven't spoken here since I addressed the Little Dingle Alcoholics Anonymous meeting some months ago. So I must say it's nice to recognise so many faces

 

Not bad. It only looks like around 4-5 mins though so seems short



You are however supposed to reveal some embarrassing things about the groom. I went around to my grooms parents house and spent an evening with them. stories like when he was 10 he used to practise kissing with their labrador went down a storm and a few more choice moments from his past

Well worth it, i managed 40 mins including the messages and it is still mentioned at get togethers.

 

^that is why I will never get married , surely my own mother would not spill the beans on the "hoover" incident

LMAO at kissing the dog