Scott Herts

Guys and Girls of all ages, I need you help in understanding what actually has happened to me , with a bit of background.

I am 28 the wife is now 20 (21 in june), we havebeen married for 18 months, nice st lucia wedding, and as far as can make out was the perfect marriage.

Time goes along, we had rows over various things, eg, flirting with other girls in my case, and boys in hers, you know over text message, i made the mistake more than once she only lapsed once as far as i can see. this was a while ago. As far as rows go when we did row they were hum dingers...

We always thought we were right, so i would do my thing do staying quiet, and she would get more and more infuritated and start banging on the doors, breaking my laptop, silly things, then we would both be too p1ssed off to say sorry, so the next day we would talk so i love you and it would all be ok.

Dont get me wrong we have had loads of good times, Orlando this year was fantastic....just one of the things.

It comes down to the fact that my mrs is 20, and obviously i know that, but she acts so much older, most of the time. when it comes to her friends she feels i dont ever like her seeing them, the fact is i dont mind her seeing them if she acts like she is marriage, i am not saying she is out kissing and ********, i am just saying she forgets everything when out...

This weekend is where it all kicked off, The wife and i were invited to a bbq her school mates all getting together, i wasnt feeling too good so i left her to it and said fill ur boots basically, just as long as you let me know what is going on, she said well i cant see me staying too late i am a bit tired myself.

well she left at 6.30. by 10 oclock i was thinking about her and just sent a "Hey, thought you were going to text me" message, got back "love you, just having a good time) got to 12.30 and anothe text comes in "sorry going to be a bit late" well as you can imagine i was a little bit miffed with that, as i would have expected her home by then, well it got to 1.30am and i just went to bed, it worked out that she walked in the door just after 3am... now am i being stupid being mad at her, i just dont think it was a resonpsible way to act when you are married. Yes you are seeing friends, and yes you may be enjoying yourself, but it doesnt take 10 secs to call or let me know what you were doing, we maybe men but we do care. ISNT THAT RIGHT FELLAS!

In the morning(Sunday) i have to go for a whizz looks at the clock about 9am she is already up and says, by any chance have yo got the hump with me..

errrr welll yes of course i have, you shouldnt be doing that sort of **** when you are married, nothing about her seeing friends but the fact she forgot about being married and what is going on in there head at the time...

well she sudddenly went out, yes 9am in the morning...left me with no ****, money, and took the only car....well joining on the anger from the night before i went loopy......she has just stranded me cause i was pissed at what she had done, i sent her many messages that day, calling her many names under the sun, i was so angry, but i know it was wrong ok.

Well she crawls back in the house at 7pm, yep she has been out for 20 hours that weekend with her mates...what would all you other guys be thinking? but no she comes back in to say she didnt deserve any **** from me cause she had done nothing wrong? she didnt promise anything, is that the attitude to take??

well after anothe rlittle row, she goes out again for another 2 hours, then comes in goes straight upstairs and goes to bed....i go up about 5 mins later and just say "what is going on then" she is pissed off how i get when i am angry, no one deserves to be spoken to like that apparantly(which i do actually agree with) and that all she wanted was a good time with her mates and i ruined HER weekend?? shocking. I got into bed and in the end i asked her for a kiss and said i was sorry, we kissed, we cuddled and went to sleep.

Come the morning she was pretty quiet, i drove her to work as normal as she was going to get out the car she leant over to kiss me, i said "you want to kiss me" and she said "you will jsut moan if i dont" i said i am not after a pity kiss...she went in...

all through the day she basically said that she doesnt want anything anymore, she loves me but doesnt want to go through the same **** all the time....to quote a message she says is "I dont like the way i get with you, i get to the point of really hating you, i cant handle that" now isnt all rows like that?? the other person gets on your **** that much yo have to leave a room..

so now she is at her mums, i am here, just had a message saying she does love me but feels she cant learn to trust me and feels she will always be lookin over my shoulder at what i do....doesnt trust get built up over time, i would have to earn it, but again she cant see it...

SO guys in all i am asking am i fighting a losing battle, yes i have made mistakes, but its nothing i would end a marriage over, not one where the 2 people actually love each other......is she giving up too easy, for 18 months married, and for what its worth i hope one of you give her a slap and get her **** back round here to make a go of things.!!

sorry if it is bad english all this, not good at telling my problems. And i know at the begining of this i said it was the perfect marriage and then gone on to make it sound like nothing of the kind, i havent got time to put all the good stuff in or the fact that i dont know what i am going to do without her, she was my life that i was building other things around.

I would just like advice on how trust works, and yes i f*cked it up by flirting, but as i said to her i dont want to lose her, all she feels is she is waiting for somehting to happen again, which isnt right, i am not asking for the world i am just asking for my wife to give the whole marriage thing a go

Reffro

Honest opinion here, get down on bended knee and beg her to come back, because after the sort of crap you have described here, I'd be telling her to leave. I think you need to have along hard look in the mirror...

TelBoy

Could write loads, but in summary;

1. The age gap, at those ages, is too large.
2. 19 is too young for any woman to marry (and remain married) these days.
3. You're fighting a losing battle. The sooner you realise, the less pain in the end there'll be for both of you.

Brendan Hughes

You flirt with other women but don't like it if she stays late at a BBQ?

You're worried about her but send a text? What's wrong with phoning and TALKING?

Did anyone tell you that marriage is about sharing lives, not owning/controlling them?

RichWalk

Sorry, but you sound like two petulent children, who may well love each other but have very little idea of what the vows of marriage mean; tolerance, trust, friendship, mutual support, to name but a few.

fast bloke

the rows are fairly standard in a marriage, but it seems to me like you need to give her some space. The past few days happened because you don't trust her to be out with her mates. Do you never go on the beer with the best intentions of being home for 10.30 and then crawl through the door at 5 am completely bladdered with a cold fish supper as a peace offering? (I have, so has the better half)

huffing doesn't help either. get to the end of the row, kiss and make up. even better - when the row is about to kick off, call for a timeout - both of you write down exactly what you are angry about, swap lists and then think about it for half an hour. That way neither of you should say anything in the heat of the moment that you wish later you hadn't said.

I'll have a fiver on her being back by the weekend. If you were happy with each other on Saturday evening i would think it would be fairly unusual for a marriage to break down completely in 48 hours

tucker101uk

IMHO you were a bit harsh having a go at her because she stayed out until 3...

She is 20 and young ppl do things like that... yes u are married to her, but you should still respect the fact that she is at the age where going out and getting lashed up then crawling in at stupid hours in the morning is the thing to do...

I'm sure she does love you as much as u love her, but you need to give her space...

If she says she still loves you, and you decide that you still want her, send her a huge bunch of roses or something, apologise personally (face to face), and beg for her to come back...

Its what i would do.

sleeka

You say she said she doesnt trust you, but you think trust is earnt over time.

Yes trust is gained over time, but should you not have had complete trust in each other before you even thought of getting married?????

Am a 20 (nearly 21) year old female and my ex was 24. Not much of a gap, and we got on really well, completely loved the guy actually til he sent sexy text messages to me by mistake as they had another girls name on them.
Since then have taken the view that texts are a lame way of getting out of talking to someone.

If you are in a marriage i think you should definitely be taking the effort to pick up the phone and talk to one another!

Scott Herts

I did expect harsh messages...

i know she is 20 and i know what 20 years old want, but to a certain extent she can do all that but you still have to remember you have another person in the relaitionship that will be worried about her, a phoen call or text would have been fine earlier on that night(she wasnt drinking cause she was driving) she could have just let me know what was going on, something like "Scott its going to be a late one, go to bed ill see you in the morning" i would have had no problem, but the not knowing is worse. I do trust the mrs and what she does and being 20 she has to do a few things with her life, we did trust each other when we were married, and after a slip up by me i have made things worse there.....but surely we can work it out...

going by what she has said this morning, she cant see it getting any better she loves me so much but it pains her to be with me, waiting for somehting to happen...If i felt that talking to her would make things better face to face i would have done it, she just is really cold at the moment...... this space issue is ok if you arent the **** stuck at home just thinking about things, it drives you mental

I feel sick.

Just want my baby back.

yoza

Get her one of these, no worries.......

http://www.cincypost.com/opinion/2000/edita091600.html

On a more serious note, let her live, pretend your not interested in her late nights and non-clocking in.

She will soon get bored, and when she does, return the favour, and see how she likes it.

The moto I live by......" Dont get mad, just get even."

Phil

Christ, If my wife wants to go out she goes out as I do.

Its called Trust. She wants to go to a night club with her mates and get in at 3 then fair play to her, Do I trust her YES who is she coming home to?

When I go out does she trust me, yes

do we text/call each other constantly all night No!

Apolagise and start trusting her

My Sisters marriage has just collapsed for exactly the same reasons as yours NO TRUST

Nick

I've been through a hellish divorce, I know what it's like.

However I agree with the points raised by Brendan Hughes & Telboy. You both appear to be too immature to hold a marriage together. You've only been married 18 months & going through all this crap? Divorce now, before it gets way more messy & WAY more expensive! Age diff is too great at that young age. Don't even think of marrying a girl younger than 25-27.

What's all this crap about texting all the time? This is serious relationship stuff & you're texting each other?

Scott Herts

I dont want it to end and i have apologised, we have to talk about things if things are to change, i didnt want her texting me all night, just when she expected to be home as she thought it wouldnt be late..if she had pkans for a nightclub she could go she could come in whenever she likes, and she wouldnt have to text me, i do trust what she is doing...but i was worried....i only care

STi wanna Subaru

iTrader: (1)

She's 20. too young to get married............it's that simple IMHO. Any person will wonder what else is there I could have/should have experienced in life.

(all that is based on my own pure bullsh!t BTW)

scoob_babe

Totally agree with Phil. I've lost count of the number of times my hubby has crashed in through the front door after being out on the lash with mates later than he originally said. Same goes for me. I admit I prefer to know when he will be back as he's a tad accident prone and likely to end up in A&E with a broken ankle (its happened!) but I trust him.
We have a friend whose other half is constantly texting/phoning her even when he knows damn well she's with me (and therefore highly unlikely to be leading her astray!) which really pisses her off. At the end of the day, if there's no trust, there's little point in staying married.

Dream Weaver

I dont mind the missus going out all night or weekend if necessary. I miss her when she does but it gives me hours of time to go on the Xbox/PS2, or mess with cars, or go out with the lads.

You need to chill out more. When you get married it doesnt automatically stop you from going out, having a laugh, getting bladdered etc.

anfywills

Well catch 22
Do you get rid and start again with someone more your age and a person more settled at home?
Become young again and go out and let your hair down?
Yes she did wrong and you did, but will anything change and if not can you can both live like that or are you patching a leaky iner tube?
GOOD LUCK

tucker101uk

DONT! that will make things worse!

taffyboyo

Just buy a dishwasher if its stacking up too high

seriously though, just because she is married it dont mean she has to start acting like like a middle aged woman, if she is 20 then she is going to act like she is 20,
What were you doing when you were 20? I bet the highlight of your week wasnt watching heartbeat on the telly, and it shouldnt be for her either!

its tough mate, most marriages are but you both have to work at it, cut the girl some slack and it might just work out for you both.

MooseRacer

Precisely.

Mice_Elf

Can only echo the above sentiments. Your relationship seems to be based on you controlling her life and her trying to find the freedom she had "before".

YOU need to apologise profusely to her. Have you ever explained CALMLY that you just care about her and hope she's ok?

SHE needs to grow up a little and realise that common courtesy in texting someone costs nothing.

If I or my partner go out without the other one, we do text if the situation changes and we're going to be later than promised, or if one hasn't been received, a simple phone call asking when they're likely to be home - do I wait up / go to bed scenario.

She's feeling trapped by the sounds of it. She can't move without you bull-heading your way in demanding to know her every action. You are trying to control her every action. The reference to her leaving you "stranded" in the house with no money and no **** was telling. Are there no busses or shops within walking distance? DId you really want **** and money or was it just an excuse to have a go at her again?

If you can honestly say that you've never gone out and been later than promised or wouldn't have minded her texting you while you've been out, asking where you are, then maybe you should ask whether you're annoyed because she was out until late or jealous that she was out and you weren't.

If you really want this relationship to work, you both need to learn to communicate with each other. Just because you've got a ring on a particular finger doesn't mean it's set for life. Any relationship needs to be constantly worked at and each person made to feel wanted, special and loved. Not taken for granted and shouted at.

King RA

I all honesty I would say you were in the wrong, I know what it's like ....sitting there at home all night getting more and more wound up and frustrated, so much so that you forget it was really no big deal at the end of the day. But those hours of winding yourself up would have come out at your wife on Sunday.

BlkKnight

Before you see what I'm linking to I AM NOT TAKING THE P1SS

It's actually a really good read and has lots of "mending" tips.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/...91871?v=glance

N1 SPAN

It's a petty little thing mate. You shouldn't be splitting up about that. Pick her up and have a chat, maybe even get some couselling. You wouldn't be the first and defnately not the last. Flirting is out the question, or so I have found out so you both need to stop that. Staying out til the early hours with your mates is understandable. If she hasn't seen them for ages she would be having too much fun to say I have got to get back cos my hubby is at home!
We all do it.
So long as she wasn't out chatting up other fellas and getting laid there is no problem.
The one left at home will always be wanting to talk & text but not always a priority whenyou are out having fun.
Get it sorted, good luck

davegtt

Your well in the wrong Imo, she did send u a text saying Im gonna be later than expected, how mnay times have u said Im only going for a beer with the lads I'll be back in an hour, u have 1 or 2 and get in the mood and stay as late as possible.... get your kebab and roll in pi55ed as a fart, every1 does it, whether they are a man, woman, single or married.... Just because your sharing a life together and being married it doesnt mean you cant spend a day/days even a week apart....

I wouldnt worry about people saying shes too young being 20, yeah sure its young but its not too young to get in a serious relationship. just as long as you both know what each other wants (and I strongly feel u have no idea what she wants from life or even the next 5 years)

Scott Herts

She wanted to start trying for babies this time last month.....

TelBoy

Agree that it's not too young for a serious relationship.

Marriage, however, is a different matter. Everyone's different of course, and maybe i'm just cynical, but it sounds like she still has a LOT of things she still needs to do before setting down. DON'T do the babies thing, not unless you've REALLY laid all your cards out on the table, or they'll end up costing you additional outgoings in the divorce settlement. Sorry to be so negative.

davegtt

IMO a serious relationship involves marriage....

you can still do these things whilst settled down (unless it obviously involves stuff like travelling, its all about compatibility etc... theres no reason what so ever that a married woman of 20 or 40 should be wanting to go out with friends, get a little carried away and stay out alot later than expected, its all part of life to enjoy yourself no matter how old you are....

Scott Herts

This IS a woman that i DO want to spend the rest of my life with i love her more than anyone.

I do want to have a family with her, but as i said at the time a few more years, i hope that isnt another reason why she hasnt decided to quit on me.

I always thought if you both are IN love with each other, then that is the core that a marriage is based around, all the other things that come with marriage are formed at the itme of marriage and of course if things went smoothly all the time then nothing would ever go wrong, but life puts obstacles in your way, and you have to neogiate round them or through them, which in turn makes you stronger, if you quit all the time then what is the point of being married in the first place. I am willing to work through anything, i am the first to admit i am a w!!!!!!£ when i am angry as she will say she gets funny when angry too, its all part of life. Just spoken to my mother who told me " well i dont particulary like my husband when we row either" it is the way it goes, it just seems that the wife thinks we should have one row and thats it, if we ever have another row, it gets all taken back to the first row and insists we are going round in circles... everyone acts differently when rowing!?! dont they, once a spark is lit some horrible things are said which you know is wrong but they just keep coming out, and that is what the making up bit is for afterwards.

i am blabbing now, sorry guys obviously this has just happened and i am trying to keep myself busy..

davegtt

think theres only 5% of the WHOLE population of people who will avoid arguments when in a relationship, you can pretty much better your bottom dollar that who ever you are with, u will have an arguement over something or other at some point.... life I suppose theres few people who get together and go through life without arguing