my friends boyfriend has been hitting her violently for the past 5 months,shes convinced herself he will stop it soon!
i really dont know what to tell her to do as she loves him.
does anyone have any advice i could give to her?
i would really appreciate any replys,it would really help me!

thanks

 

He won't stop if she keeps letting him get away with it. She needs to leave him, get him to seek help or better yet just wash her hands of the man. An approach that might work is a visit from some of her male relatives and a good kicking for the guy in question.
Men that do this are bullies plain and simple.

 

I know this sounds a bit harsh and maybe a little insensitive, but I reckon what you need to do is get her out to meet other people, then she will see that it's not normal to do this and there is another life out there for her without the torment.

 

explain to her that she may love him, but he dont love her. you cant justify beating someone you love.
see if you can get in contact with a womens refuge and take her to see people that have experienced the same thing. i bet you dont meet many people that tell you it stops after a while though, just gets worse. my sympathys go out to your friend. hope i`ve helped.

cliff

 

She may love him, but if he's hitting her, he cleary does NOT love her. If he did, he'd stop. She must leave him. Make sure she has somewhere to run (i.e. offer her your spare room etc.). Ultimately SHE has to make the decision. Good luck.

 

Tell her that the average victim of domestic violence suffers 34 attacks before reporting it to the police. Because they all think "he won't do it again". He does. Get him arrested.

 

of course she might be afraid or for other reasons unable to leave. as said above someone will need to help her - accomodation etc.

 

The problem she has is that he does not do it all the time,he does it maybe once-twice a week,and the rest of the time she is happy! so she probably wont leave him,it sounds stupid to you and me,but hes brainwashed her into thinking its her fault and she deserves it!
Also its not always punching its things like pulling her hair! Personally if it wasme i would of left him the moment he raised his hands to me!

Thanks for all your comments

 

Once had a girl working for me... had to sack her in the end. She was coming in with bruises and black eyes... And she was what most of you might call a bit of totty..all **** and ****. The Mother and father sat back and let them "get on with it" She came out with all that "Ilove him bull****"..

this friend of yours needs somje good friends to talk to her...Taking her out etc might make matters wirse ..if he gets jealous.. of her getting a life.

Best thing..Are they living together??? If not fine if yes she should move out. Change her mobile number. Get someone to "advice him to forget and move on........"

 

WHY does he hit her? After drinking? Out of the blue?

Either way, she needs to leave*. 2 people die per week due to domestic violence. Does she want to be next?



*Easier said than done, though. Best way to do it would be when he is at work or out of the house. Pack up all her stuff and hide her away somewhere - hotel, friend's house where he doesn't know the address. AND CALL THE POLICE!!

 

"The problem she has is that he does not do it all the time,he does it maybe once-twice a week,and the rest of the time she is happy!"

I'm pretty sure the days he doesnt hit her she isnt happy either - cant see that anyone would be happy waiting for their next beating!!!

She needs help (friends & relatives etc).

He needs help (counselling) or a good kicking from the above (her friends and relatives).

She also needs to be made to see that its not normal. Levels of violence (usually) increase - any friend of mine in that situation and I'd be round there packing her bags for her and twatting the guy on the way out to the car.

Help her get it sorted - do it tonight if it doesnt put you in danger too! The police are pretty good with this the first few times they're called out, just not the 10th, 50th, 100th time!

I'm sure a few peeps on here would be happy to help - just ask!



[Edited by Scooby96 - 10/17/2003 5:32:47 PM]

 

bttt

 

damn.

they do say that this sort of abuser never changes.. merely adapts their behaviour to retain 'control'.

counselling might help, but I doubt it.

I knew a person who did this to a family member for *YEARS* and we never knew or even suspected until one day he went too far and she ended up in hospital. he used to attack her body where the brusies would not show

the repurcussions were massive:

eldest son kicked seven shades out of abuser. abuser went into ospital but didnt press charges against the son's righteous (imho) action.
I would do the same for my mum.

The people involved got divorced and it was MESSY.
he was ostricised from my immediate family for nearly three years and totally from his old 'family unit'.

we see him rarely now.
Altho I hold no grudge anymore.
His kids still keep in touch.

bottom line:
she HAS to leave. leopards dont change their spots.

if she doesnt she is merely unwittingly fuelling the (needless)fire by sticking around and the abuser will take advantage of the power he feels by abusing this lady.
He will only continue.
do your mate a favour, get her to call one of the major organisations on the phone (samaritans?) and let her at least get an impartial view on it.

she needs to bite the bullet and push for change.
harsh, but true.

hope that helped.

 

She should speak to these people - they can and will help

 

This is so not funny I grew up with this sort of thing and have had another family member in the same situation:

* Try and persaude her it's not a normal thing

* Form a "crisis plan", i.e. ensure she has her own mobile phone, always knows where her car keys/wallet are, has your number or the number of others willing to help and with a spare room that she can stay in...be organised for the time she might do this - will he be able to force his way in? It's scarey what some people do when pushed to the limit.

* Always be there for her whatever time of the day, make sure she knows this...

She will leave him - but it may take a while...it's something she need to "wake up" to, in my experience this takes something serious (e.g. like the bit of violence above) to get her to rethink, your aim has to be to get her out before then.

Good luck - most important thing - make sure she know's she won't be alone

Jen

 

I grew up with this for years as well - just not acceptable

Head says walk out now and be gone ... for good .. whatever the cost.

Heart says .. before walking out, get up in the middle of the night and hit him as hard as possible on the bridge of his nose with a 4x2 (or the like). he will never ever forget.

LEAVE NOW.

 

Here's the problem:-

Your the friend, you dont like what you are seeing but she is still there taking the beating which says one of three things:-

1-She does not want to leave - Likes edgey guys/confrontation
or
2.She cant leave - because scared of the actions he may take
or
3.He gets back in with her by being nice for a bit then cycle starts over.

The only was to approach this is to advise her what you can see is happening and be there as a shoulder to cry on, or get her to call a professional organisation to help her sort her mind out.

I have seen friends going through this but no matter what happends she must make her mind up to leave, no matter how much you will talk to her, no matter if the guys gets a kickin, she's the one that will decide in the end to leave or she will have that violence until she dies...in some cases this is the only end.

Does her family not know about whats going on???

 

bttt

 

why bttt.

answers given ...

leave or 4x2 or leave and 4x2

[Edited by mwp - 10/17/2003 10:39:37 PM]

 

"Domestic Violence -- Together we can put an end to it
Call for help now
Refuge: 0870 599 5443
Women's aid: 0845 702 3468"

Don't know much about it, but it's printed all over the taxi receipts from one of our local companies.

HTH

 

Hide the "Stella"

XX

BB

Edited to say, woo, and a cheap corner to boot.... LOL

[Edited by beemerboy - 10/17/2003 10:49:47 PM]

 

He only needs to "accidently" kill her once








& I would also question your bttt's. You have had unanimous advice - tell her to leave the so & so, you've had advice on who to call and other advice too. Its now up to you as her friend to have the guts to get on and help her.

 

Again this is all about him, the guy, etc! It's instantly assumed that he comes home drunk or whatever and start thumping into this girl. Why? Do we know this?

I agree the girl in question needs to seriously look at this situation and probably get well out of it. BUT, do you know for sure your friend isn't hitting first Gemma? I've been there My arguments with my ex got waaaay out of hand and she's scream, throw things at me and hit me. I used to physically restrain her and yes on occassions hit her back (a slap, punch on the arm, etc). At the end of the day though very few people know about this (other than the scratches I wore to work once) because I'm a bloke and don't broadcast a difficult time from my past to random people. I heard through the grapevine she told a LOT of people that know me that I used to 'beat' her. Its funny what people assume when they don't have the full story

I hate voilence of any kind which is why if you friend is in a violent relationship she should get out. All I'm saying though is don't everyone automatically assume that its always the blokes fault. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

 

Saxo boy I can understand where your coming from but..the instance the guy states is that the partner is going to change and she is therefore staying - which shows to me that "she" is trying to live with the situation. In your case i expect your partner didnt say those kinds of things..

A friend of mine hit his mrs a few times in the past and after spending a day in her company i could see why. She loved slagging him off, putting him down in front of me(any other people), generally making his lifwe hell. He just loved her to much to leave...I spoke a long time with him about it and "HE" did decide to leave her.

She has now shacked up with a Man that treats her like sh** and hits her around all the time. She loves that type of man. He has no money, no future but she dont moan at him one bit.

Again "he made his own mind up" like the lady at the start of the thread has to..The breakup was the easy bit what he was living with and i guess what the lday is going through now is the hard bit...

 

Real men dont hit women, they destroy doors, walls and whatever comes to hand. If I get really pissed off with my three kids I bite my index finger, I hurt myself before my kids and I am a violent bugger when I get going but my kids are sacred.

 

What a load of sexest cr@p. I know lasses that could beat crap out of you and me both at the same time! If I was attacked in the street by any living thing I'd defend myself.

The bottom line is nobody should be in a violent relationship. Period. If you cant sort your problems with a quiet calm cuddle and discussion on the sofa then you don't have a relationship with sorting IMHO. Me and my ex are probably both better off without each other as our situation was only getting worse. I must admit though I do get very annoyed at all the domestic violence ads, etc being pitched at helping women. I once saw a guy getting chased down the street (oxgangs for the benefit of edinburgh peeps ) by his lass yeilding a 10inch bread knife. It seemed funny at the time........but its not!

 

You could just ground them or take their playstation.........far less painful

 

I've seen 3 women fighting in Fountainbridge and it was NOT something you wanted to get near......women are viscious when fighting!!!

Yes, SB, I agree - domestic violence applies equally to both sexes being the victims....but popular belief (like rape) sees it as a female-only thing.

 

Yes, women can be as bad as men. But 99%+ of domestic abuse is a man on woman act.

I witnessed this as a child from the age of 7 to around 14 and it wasn't nice.

Do your upmost to help your friend.

 

However, domestic abuse is not ALWAYS fisticuffs.....it can be mental as well as physical. Women are generally better at the mental stuff, with men generally reacting (if they react) in a physical manner.

Not good either way.......

[Edited by imlach - 10/18/2003 1:33:21 AM]