French Military Victories...
17 March 2003, 06:22 PM
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17 March 2003, 06:38 PM
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Frank Zappa:
"There is Hell, and then there is France."
We're playin' in a tent
It's payin' the rent
If you pooch a civilian,
It's a major event
Down in France
(Did you hear where that's located?)
Way down . . .
In France
(Yeah . . .
Hey, it's the first time you hear som'thn' like . . . )
Way on down
(And then it smells)
Way on down
(Uh down)
In France
(Ain't that som'thn'? Listen . . .)
I say the girls is all salty
'N the boys is all sweet
I said the food ain't too shabby,
An' they **** in the street!
Down in France
(Ain't that cold?)
Way down . . .
(Hah, say down . . . )
In France
(Now, now, you know what?
I-I saw 'em walkin', it wou-, it would . . . )
Way on down
(And did they say it)
Way on down
(Uh down in France)
Under France
(Oh yeah
Now you won't believe it)
They got the diseases
Like you ain't never seen
I said they got a mystery blow-job
Turn your peter green
Down in France
(Ain't that somethin'?)
Way down
In France
(Say, look, I saw the color
I-i-it looks just like it was . . .)
Way on down
(And then it turned . . .)
Way on down
(That was . . . )
Under France
(Oh yes, it would
Listen
Look!)
They got some coffee,
Eatin' right through the cup,
An' when you go ka-ka
They make you stand up!
Down in France
(That's where it's located)
Way down . . .
In France
(No-now, listen
I ka-ka one time and then I heard it)
Way on down
(And then I went . . . )
Way on down
(That was down in . . . )
Under France
(Now listen . . . )
If you're not careful,
It'll stick to your cheeks
You'll smell like a native
For a couple of weeks
In France
Way down . . .
Down in France
(That's where it were
Listen, I-I smelled it, it went . . . )
Way on down
(And then it smelled like . . . )
Way on down
(That was down in . . . )
Under France
(Ooh, smell it in front of him)
Now we cannot wait
Till we go back
Gets so exciting
When the poodles 'react'
In France
(Uh-huh, ruff)
Way down in France
(I'm talkin' 'bout Bow-Wow
Uh-huh . . . say, they-they're rough)
Way on down
(And then they're kinda . . . )
Way on down
Never try to get yo' peter sucked
In France
(Merci . . . oui . . . OW!)
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17 March 2003, 08:13 PM
#9
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- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.
- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War
- Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.
- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War
- Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."
17 March 2003, 11:22 PM
#10
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ha. priceless.
you mentioned dien bien phu (flu). on a technical point, the final stand at DBP was fought (very bravely) by the french foreign legion.
made up mainly of non-french soldiers, including a significant number of former members of the waffen-SS on the lam from their inglorious past.
if the french army had been fighting it, they'd have been in the saigon food stalls eating noodles and frogs' legs before you could say "vichy".
you mentioned dien bien phu (flu). on a technical point, the final stand at DBP was fought (very bravely) by the french foreign legion.
made up mainly of non-french soldiers, including a significant number of former members of the waffen-SS on the lam from their inglorious past.
if the french army had been fighting it, they'd have been in the saigon food stalls eating noodles and frogs' legs before you could say "vichy".
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