Declaration of Revocation
14 November 2000, 05:24 PM
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NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for
the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the
same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there
is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for
the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the
same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there
is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
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15 November 2000, 01:54 PM
#8
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just wondering....
does this mean we have to eat that stuff you call: <I>"food"</I> ?
seriously though, that was some funny stuff!...well done ole chap..
-Lou
PS- talking to a prop that's played rugby for 3 years, loved every minute of it!
does this mean we have to eat that stuff you call: <I>"food"</I> ?
seriously though, that was some funny stuff!...well done ole chap..
-Lou
PS- talking to a prop that's played rugby for 3 years, loved every minute of it!
15 November 2000, 03:41 PM
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Ha Ha Ha, that's pretty good. I like 6 and 7. But I'll tell you what, you can have the rest of the country, but Texas will make it's own country now. We've been looking for a good excuse to secede anyway. And there is no way we're giving up our guns.
Don't make us, like, you know, bomb the merde outa you.
Don't make us, like, you know, bomb the merde outa you.
15 November 2000, 03:44 PM
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hehehehe!!!
fine w/me... !!!!
all except the girls playing footie....
what's that all about eh?? i'll give ya a proper whoopin at footie... any time... anywhere... !!!!
hehehehehe
j.
fine w/me... !!!!
all except the girls playing footie....
what's that all about eh?? i'll give ya a proper whoopin at footie... any time... anywhere... !!!!
hehehehehej.
15 November 2000, 04:00 PM
#14
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BarryK: I wish I did make it up. By now, you should all have received it around 20 times via email in the tradition of the Internet.
Point 10 really should have been edited to change the "German" thing
.
Point 10 really should have been edited to change the "German" thing
.
15 November 2000, 04:51 PM
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Personally, I think the incompatibilites in the language would be nearly insurmountable.. Frankly, if someone were to offer me bangers and mash, I'd suspect it to be some sort of a sexual euphemism. And "lighting up a ***" has a COMPLETELY different meaning here in the states..
As to France - well, France would be great if it weren't for the French.
Basil
As to France - well, France would be great if it weren't for the French.
Basil
)
15 November 2000, 11:08 PM
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Your just jealous of our better Subaru line up including our highly rated 2.5 RS. Your need to lash out at your protecting country(the USA) is truely entertaining. I also realize that you feel the need to lash out since we here in the states have all the atractive English speaking women.
Joshua
MY98 RS
Subaru Salesman
Joshua
MY98 RS
Subaru Salesman
16 November 2000, 08:17 AM
#23
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The states has all the attractive English speaking women? I refuse to rise to the bait! Get back under your bridge, you troll
Mind you, your television is good at the moment. All you get is Bush and Gore. It's a bit like channel 5 after the watershed.
Mind you, your television is good at the moment. All you get is Bush and Gore. It's a bit like channel 5 after the watershed.
21 November 2000, 03:48 PM
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Their Response has arrived!
> An American Response:
> 1) Don't make us kick your asses again. You had
> enough trouble with
> Argentina, for Pete's sake.
>
> 2) "American" football is the greatest sport ever
> invented. I would think it would suit your colonial
British nature, since it involves gaining and then
holding territory. Unlike soccer (the proper name for
such foolishness), at least in American football you
don't have "blokes" lying on the ground screaming in
agony if someone accidentally touches their shirt.
> In regards to rugby, watch what you say to the
defending Olympic rugby champion, the United States.
>
> 3) "aluminum" - 4 syllables
> "aluminium"- 5 syllables
> Why use more energy to get the same point
across?
>
> 4) It's interesting that you disparage (one for you
> to look up) American cars, but don't compare them to
cars of English manufacture. I wonder why that is?
>
> 5) We have fought dearly and with great cost to rid
> ourselves of English food. How many English
restaurants do you see in the U.S.? Why do you feel
> the need to boil everything? There is more to life
> than meat pies.
>
> 6) What on earth is 'Guy Fawkes Day'? Why do you
have a holiday for a man who tried to blow up your
government?
>
> 7) I won't even mention World War II. (oops)
>
> 8) You should study vocabulary as well. "Lift" is a
> verb, not a noun. A "torch" is a wooden object set
aflame, not a battery-powered light, etc, etc.
>
> 9) We are glad that you find our politics so
> amusing. You've been cracking us up with that
'monarchy' thing for over 200 years.
>
> 10) Have a nice day, and thanks for sending me the
> mail.
> An American Response:
> 1) Don't make us kick your asses again. You had
> enough trouble with
> Argentina, for Pete's sake.
>
> 2) "American" football is the greatest sport ever
> invented. I would think it would suit your colonial
British nature, since it involves gaining and then
holding territory. Unlike soccer (the proper name for
such foolishness), at least in American football you
don't have "blokes" lying on the ground screaming in
agony if someone accidentally touches their shirt.
> In regards to rugby, watch what you say to the
defending Olympic rugby champion, the United States.
>
> 3) "aluminum" - 4 syllables
> "aluminium"- 5 syllables
> Why use more energy to get the same point
across?
>
> 4) It's interesting that you disparage (one for you
> to look up) American cars, but don't compare them to
cars of English manufacture. I wonder why that is?
>
> 5) We have fought dearly and with great cost to rid
> ourselves of English food. How many English
restaurants do you see in the U.S.? Why do you feel
> the need to boil everything? There is more to life
> than meat pies.
>
> 6) What on earth is 'Guy Fawkes Day'? Why do you
have a holiday for a man who tried to blow up your
government?
>
> 7) I won't even mention World War II. (oops)
>
> 8) You should study vocabulary as well. "Lift" is a
> verb, not a noun. A "torch" is a wooden object set
aflame, not a battery-powered light, etc, etc.
>
> 9) We are glad that you find our politics so
> amusing. You've been cracking us up with that
'monarchy' thing for over 200 years.
>
> 10) Have a nice day, and thanks for sending me the
> mail.
21 November 2000, 03:58 PM
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And my riposte...
1) Don't threaten us. We know how to shoot back. Your public opinion couldn't sustain a war against anyone capable of causing more casualties than a broken fingernail. Even the Somalis kicked you out.
2) You should try watching American Football WITHOUT and advertising break between each play. Then you'd see just how contrived and boring it really is. And as for the idea of blokes that fat and wearing that much clobber keeping it up for 45 minutes (without being substituted every 5 or using oxygen) - don't make me laugh!
3) Why not just call everything "Stuff" and be done with it? Ever read "1984"?
4) Unfortunately we actually practised what we preached, stuck to the principles of free trade, and allowed foreign cars in without quotas. Wonder where Detroit would be now if you'd done the same (Don't answer that one - I drove a Neon on holiday, sorry, vacation - my 13-year old Toyota would've run rings round it....)
5) We too have seen the light. Which is why you can get a decent curry here. Despite being a nation entirely of immigrants, you STILL can't do ethnic food.
6) In the absence of failed elections we have to get our kicks somehow.
7) Sorry? Waiting 'til the second half then backing the winning side? It took you two goes to take the Ardennes - nowhere near the moral high ground.
8) I'll grant you that. British English usage has moved on from the Pilgrim Fathers.
9) Thankfully, the "monarchy" thing has no impact on our daily lives whilst enabling us to fleece US tourists dry every summer. A bit of a "USP", as you would say.
10) That's quite alright old chap.
1) Don't threaten us. We know how to shoot back. Your public opinion couldn't sustain a war against anyone capable of causing more casualties than a broken fingernail. Even the Somalis kicked you out.
2) You should try watching American Football WITHOUT and advertising break between each play. Then you'd see just how contrived and boring it really is. And as for the idea of blokes that fat and wearing that much clobber keeping it up for 45 minutes (without being substituted every 5 or using oxygen) - don't make me laugh!
3) Why not just call everything "Stuff" and be done with it? Ever read "1984"?
4) Unfortunately we actually practised what we preached, stuck to the principles of free trade, and allowed foreign cars in without quotas. Wonder where Detroit would be now if you'd done the same (Don't answer that one - I drove a Neon on holiday, sorry, vacation - my 13-year old Toyota would've run rings round it....)
5) We too have seen the light. Which is why you can get a decent curry here. Despite being a nation entirely of immigrants, you STILL can't do ethnic food.
6) In the absence of failed elections we have to get our kicks somehow.
7) Sorry? Waiting 'til the second half then backing the winning side? It took you two goes to take the Ardennes - nowhere near the moral high ground.
8) I'll grant you that. British English usage has moved on from the Pilgrim Fathers.
9) Thankfully, the "monarchy" thing has no impact on our daily lives whilst enabling us to fleece US tourists dry every summer. A bit of a "USP", as you would say.
10) That's quite alright old chap.
22 November 2000, 12:24 AM
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John Cleese was on American TV recently and was asked for the main
differences between English and American people. In reply he said:
There are three differences :
1. We speak English and you don't.
2. When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams
from other countries.
3. When you meet the head of state in England, you only have to go down on
one knee.
26 November 2000, 08:44 PM
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HAHAHA Battery powered light ? doesnt this take a lot more energy to say than torch ?
and also you talk about saving energy by not saying one syllable - this just goes to show how lazy u americans are !
and also you talk about saving energy by not saying one syllable - this just goes to show how lazy u americans are !
26 November 2000, 08:49 PM
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whoops just noticed that the post from an american actually wasnt from an american !
but i still stand by my statement - oh and yeah "like you know" check out the "like" swearing in the american reply !
but i still stand by my statement - oh and yeah "like you know" check out the "like" swearing in the american reply !
27 November 2000, 12:42 AM
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Some extra rules concerning the Revocation of American Independance has been created:
11. Baseball is to be given it's correct name 'Rounders' and to be played (as it should be) by girls only. It will also lose the title "World Series" because as far as we are aware New York is not a country in it's own right (despite what many New Yorkers may think). It will be renamed "Poor Imitation of Cricket Series".
12.You will also have to reacquaint yourself with the things that really matter, like the weather. If nothing else please memorise the following phrases and use appropriately (note:- look up appropriately in the Oxford English Dictionary):- "Ooh it's a bit too hot for my liking", "Gosh it isn't half cold", "All we ever seem to get is rain", "it's so mild we could do with either some Sun or Rain to freshen things up a bit".
13. Buggering is not to come compulsory within your private schools, but is necessary if you wish to be considered truly upper-class in the reintroduced society.
14. Your new school syllabus will also include a course on becoming a normal human being, the syllabus will include:-
* Humour - subtlety, sarcasm, irony, similies and why just being stupid doesn't make you either funny or mean you have a personality (ref:- Chevy Chase, George W Bush, Friends (the bizarrely popular TV show (note:- look up bizarrely in your Oxford English Dictionary)).
* Fat Awareness - Eating 12 pounds of flesh at a single sitting isn't healthy, cake avoidance(treat or diet staple)
* Beer Appreciation - Having more then a pint at a time doesn't make you an alcoholic
* Social Cohesion - People are just people not black/yellow/Communist/Spanish ****ers.
15. Her Majesty's government would also request the you return all of your military hardware, as we have found that a nice few Policemen with a hard bobble hat and a stick is perfectly adequate. Drive by shooting will then become a thing of the past, replaced with drive by being rather rude to someone and honking one's horn. The weird kid at school will remain the weird kid at school and just be beaten up. Also you won't have to worry that he will come back and blow the school up
16. Upon uttering words and phrases like "Please", "Thank-you" or "Have a nice day" you are required to actually mean it.
17. Politicians of the right will be required to drink 15 pints at one sitting preach family values then **** their secretary, politicians of the left will be required to grin inanely (consult dictionary) at all times. [note:- You may not find it too difficult to adjust to this rule].
18. It will be mandatory to drive on the correct side of the road at speeds exceeding 50 m.p.h
19. Additional Language update: Automobiles will be referred to as cars; train cars will be referred to as wagons. Luggage will be carried in the boot not the trunk, this is something a swimmer wears. The engine is found under the bonnet not the hood; a hood will be known as a criminal. Going outside for a *** means you are going outside to have a cigarette, and not to find a public convenience and an **** Bandit Amigo. It's "..go boldly..." not "...boldly go...".
20. Brits will have automatic right of entry at Washington Dulles and not be required to wait 2 hours for immigration.
21. You will be required to know who Manchester United are and either support them (which will come easily as you live on the other side of the Atlantic and therefore many hundreds of miles away from Old Trafford), or completely despise them and think David Beckham is a daft c*nt (rather then that bloke who's married to the Posh one out of the Spice Girls).
22. As an addendum to (21.) sorry to shatter your illusions but Victoria Beckham isn't posh.
23. Other cultural misconceptions clarified for you:- We don't all live in castles, the historic buildings here are not "quaint" they are "under-funded" and "run-down".
24. Britney Spears is required to wear her school girl outfit at all times.
11. Baseball is to be given it's correct name 'Rounders' and to be played (as it should be) by girls only. It will also lose the title "World Series" because as far as we are aware New York is not a country in it's own right (despite what many New Yorkers may think). It will be renamed "Poor Imitation of Cricket Series".
12.You will also have to reacquaint yourself with the things that really matter, like the weather. If nothing else please memorise the following phrases and use appropriately (note:- look up appropriately in the Oxford English Dictionary):- "Ooh it's a bit too hot for my liking", "Gosh it isn't half cold", "All we ever seem to get is rain", "it's so mild we could do with either some Sun or Rain to freshen things up a bit".
13. Buggering is not to come compulsory within your private schools, but is necessary if you wish to be considered truly upper-class in the reintroduced society.
14. Your new school syllabus will also include a course on becoming a normal human being, the syllabus will include:-
* Humour - subtlety, sarcasm, irony, similies and why just being stupid doesn't make you either funny or mean you have a personality (ref:- Chevy Chase, George W Bush, Friends (the bizarrely popular TV show (note:- look up bizarrely in your Oxford English Dictionary)).
* Fat Awareness - Eating 12 pounds of flesh at a single sitting isn't healthy, cake avoidance(treat or diet staple)
* Beer Appreciation - Having more then a pint at a time doesn't make you an alcoholic
* Social Cohesion - People are just people not black/yellow/Communist/Spanish ****ers.
15. Her Majesty's government would also request the you return all of your military hardware, as we have found that a nice few Policemen with a hard bobble hat and a stick is perfectly adequate. Drive by shooting will then become a thing of the past, replaced with drive by being rather rude to someone and honking one's horn. The weird kid at school will remain the weird kid at school and just be beaten up. Also you won't have to worry that he will come back and blow the school up
16. Upon uttering words and phrases like "Please", "Thank-you" or "Have a nice day" you are required to actually mean it.
17. Politicians of the right will be required to drink 15 pints at one sitting preach family values then **** their secretary, politicians of the left will be required to grin inanely (consult dictionary) at all times. [note:- You may not find it too difficult to adjust to this rule].
18. It will be mandatory to drive on the correct side of the road at speeds exceeding 50 m.p.h
19. Additional Language update: Automobiles will be referred to as cars; train cars will be referred to as wagons. Luggage will be carried in the boot not the trunk, this is something a swimmer wears. The engine is found under the bonnet not the hood; a hood will be known as a criminal. Going outside for a *** means you are going outside to have a cigarette, and not to find a public convenience and an **** Bandit Amigo. It's "..go boldly..." not "...boldly go...".
20. Brits will have automatic right of entry at Washington Dulles and not be required to wait 2 hours for immigration.
21. You will be required to know who Manchester United are and either support them (which will come easily as you live on the other side of the Atlantic and therefore many hundreds of miles away from Old Trafford), or completely despise them and think David Beckham is a daft c*nt (rather then that bloke who's married to the Posh one out of the Spice Girls).
22. As an addendum to (21.) sorry to shatter your illusions but Victoria Beckham isn't posh.
23. Other cultural misconceptions clarified for you:- We don't all live in castles, the historic buildings here are not "quaint" they are "under-funded" and "run-down".
24. Britney Spears is required to wear her school girl outfit at all times.