Humour
19 July 2000, 11:34 AM
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Saw this today - made me laugh 
Rich.
Remember the book
"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?
Well here's a prime example offered by an English
professor at a European University.
In-class Assignment for Wednesday
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right.
One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story.
The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third
paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to
keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and
anything you wish to say must be written on the paper.
The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Nathalie - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
---------------------------------------------------------
STORY: (first paragraph by Nathalie)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep
her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she
thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.
So chamomile was out of the question.
--------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than
the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom
he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator.
"Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...".
But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere
and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct
hit
sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
--------------------------------------------------------
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalising the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities
towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,
" Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited
her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when
the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read,
no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the
beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become
a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
--------------------------------------------------------
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium
fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral
Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenceless
target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the
human
race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships
were
on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverise the entire
planet.
With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The
lithium
fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of
Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporised poor, stupid,
Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's
blow'em >out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centred tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile
tea?
Or shall I have some other sort of F*****G TEA??? Oh no I'm such a air
headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."
-------------------------------------------------------
As*h*le.
------------------------------------------------------
Bi*ch.
-----------------------------------------------------
W*nker.
------------------------------------------------------
Sl*t.
-----------------------------------------------------
Get fu**ed.
----------------------------------------------------
Eat sh*t.
----------------------------------------------------
F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------------
Go drink some tea - wh*re.
Rich.
Remember the book
"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?
Well here's a prime example offered by an English
professor at a European University.
In-class Assignment for Wednesday
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right.
One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story.
The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third
paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to
keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and
anything you wish to say must be written on the paper.
The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Nathalie - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
---------------------------------------------------------
STORY: (first paragraph by Nathalie)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep
her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she
thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.
So chamomile was out of the question.
--------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than
the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom
he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator.
"Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...".
But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere
and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct
hit
sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
--------------------------------------------------------
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalising the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities
towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,
" Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited
her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when
the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read,
no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the
beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become
a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
--------------------------------------------------------
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium
fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral
Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenceless
target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the
human
race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships
were
on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverise the entire
planet.
With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The
lithium
fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of
Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporised poor, stupid,
Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's
blow'em >out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centred tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile
tea?
Or shall I have some other sort of F*****G TEA??? Oh no I'm such a air
headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."
-------------------------------------------------------
As*h*le.
------------------------------------------------------
Bi*ch.
-----------------------------------------------------
W*nker.
------------------------------------------------------
Sl*t.
-----------------------------------------------------
Get fu**ed.
----------------------------------------------------
Eat sh*t.
----------------------------------------------------
F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------------
Go drink some tea - wh*re.
