Hope these bring smiles
08 August 2007, 10:19 AM
#1
Scooby Regular
Thread Starter
Hope these bring smiles
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Practice safe eating- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Love is like a rose in winter, only the strong survive
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think you're on drugs.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
"Where there's a will, there's a way. And where there's a way, then there's usually a stop sign somewhere along the road."
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Dogs have owners. Cats have a staff.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Everyone in life has a purpose, even if it's to serve as a bad example
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Suspicion Breeds Confidence.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
One death is one too many.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Trust your instincts and listen to your friends, because they may be right when you don't want them to be
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
If you don't care where you are, you're not lost.
"Look up for inspiration & down for concentration, but don’t look side to side for information".
A lady is one who only shows her underwear intentionally.
"Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle."
Dying is just natures way of saying 'Hey! You're not alive anymore!'
Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses.
Teamwork is essential--it allows you to blame someone else.
"There's nothing wrong with being a loser, it just depends on how good you are at it."
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.
We should all help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy.
If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!
Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind her is his wife.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Practice safe eating- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Love is like a rose in winter, only the strong survive
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think you're on drugs.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
"Where there's a will, there's a way. And where there's a way, then there's usually a stop sign somewhere along the road."
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Dogs have owners. Cats have a staff.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Everyone in life has a purpose, even if it's to serve as a bad example
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Suspicion Breeds Confidence.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
One death is one too many.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Trust your instincts and listen to your friends, because they may be right when you don't want them to be
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
If you don't care where you are, you're not lost.
"Look up for inspiration & down for concentration, but don’t look side to side for information".
A lady is one who only shows her underwear intentionally.
"Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle."
Dying is just natures way of saying 'Hey! You're not alive anymore!'
Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses.
Teamwork is essential--it allows you to blame someone else.
"There's nothing wrong with being a loser, it just depends on how good you are at it."
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.
We should all help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy.
If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!
Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind her is his wife.
08 August 2007, 10:21 AM
#2
Scooby Regular
Thread Starter
From the Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason. The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TYRE: Male, because it goes bald and Male And Female often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. . . and, of ourse, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective eproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female. . . Ha!. . . you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TYRE: Male, because it goes bald and Male And Female often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. . . and, of ourse, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective eproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female. . . Ha!. . . you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
08 August 2007, 10:22 AM
#3
Scooby Regular
Thread Starter
For those of you that don't get this, you will, your day is coming................................
Recently, I was diagnosed with : A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the table that I collected from the letter box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that it is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only
1 cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - they need water.
I put the Coke on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote control, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it
belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote control back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
- the car isn't washed
-
the bills aren't paid
- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the worktop
- the flowers don't have enough water
- there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book
- I can't find the remote control
- I can't find my glasses
- and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it
to.
Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC
Recently, I was diagnosed with : A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the table that I collected from the letter box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that it is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only
1 cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - they need water.
I put the Coke on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote control, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it
belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote control back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
- the car isn't washed
-
the bills aren't paid
- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the worktop
- the flowers don't have enough water
- there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book
- I can't find the remote control
- I can't find my glasses
- and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it
to.
Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC
08 August 2007, 10:24 AM
#4
Scooby Regular
Thread Starter
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
08 August 2007, 10:27 AM
#5
Scooby Regular
Thread Starter
08 August 2007, 10:29 AM
#6
Scooby Regular
Thread Starter
Trending Topics
08 August 2007, 05:17 PM
#8
Scooby Regular
Thread Starter
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day - Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If s/he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing her/him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more rubbish you put up with, the more rubbish you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If s/he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing her/him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more rubbish you put up with, the more rubbish you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
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