I've told this one before in another thread but it's maybe worth another airing;
At a former place of work we had a guy who's stories were whoppers. They included such beauties as landing a jumbo during a holiday flight at the invitation of the captain
Anyway, said story teller buys himself a small motorbike for commuting to work. Within days he's telling everyone of the astounding miles per gallon he's getting from it. I mean serious miles here, into the several hundreds
So a group of us decide to prove him right. We take it in turn to buy a container of petrol and, sneaking out to the bike shed at breaks etc., top the bikes tank up on a daily basis.
It was great to hear him, now truthfully, telling everyone of his miracle bike that literally uses no fuel at all. Only the group were in the know of course. He even wrote to the bike manufacturer to tell them about his amazing machine. Suffice to say they didn't reply
We kept up the deception for a few weeks and then got fed up. When we stopped topping it up he started ranting that someone was siphoning his tank
We never did tell him the truth.

 

Excellent mate, what a tosser.

 

Is anyone on this thread doing the same as the title suggests by trying to outdo the other stories?

 

Not me! It's as true as I'm a China-man.
Yours,
Hu Flung Dung

 

Someone in a very obviously naturally aspirated 1.2 Corsa once told me that he had "a special dump valve on there that gave him at least 50bhp more than std!

 

One of the lads i employ has started with the "tall tales"

i normally let them slide unless they are just to easy to pick apart, like the one he told me this morning.

his nan has just retired but is paid £5 a day to help "mr kumar" over the road with some housework, she does all the housework, "mr kumar" does **** all, apparently this escalated and she had to do more and more work, to the point where she was complaining about it to my employee, said employee calls by one day to see just what the deal was and "mr kumar" had his nan lifting flag stones around in the back garden

told him i wouldn't believe his nan got paid £5 for lifting flagstones about unless he got photos of her doing it with "mr kumar" in the background, said employees reponse = "fine i will get some pics"

ohh and said employee got a new phone today, same as the one his mate has, his mate was in a car crash and his phone ended up getting run over 10 times and the phone still worked

 

chap at work says hes got a 2.5 v6 ford cougar thats over 300 bhp and does 90 in first !!??!? me being me said " what a load of bull**** " but he still claims its does. Says it will tear my scoob apart ?!?! so at lunch I took a look at it, bog standard, wheels exhaust the lot ! What a muppet !!

 

Haha, got a guy at work with a V6 Chav Vectra hatch. He has done the usual halford upgrades, car sounds quite meaty when he gives it some but I never bothered to take a further look.

He went red when he saw me pull up in my Scooby (first time I decided to take it into work) and promptly came out with the dumb questions like "how much bhp you got?" and "ah that 4 wheel drive must make cornering difficult?" - I had trouble holding back my laughter at that last comment.

So today he decides to park up next to my car, starts going on about how he has had some top tuning company use his car as a project... blah blah blah - Ithought what the hell and played the fool, nodding as if I could give a monkey.

Eventually he takes me out in the car, not bad I thought, quite pokey for a V6 but he was quoting figures like "it's putting out 350 bhp" lol wtf... Next it was my turn, I warmed up the scooby (bear in mind I only have the standard prodrive 305 bhp pack), gently pulled it out of the company car park and hit a long windy road behind our office... hehe

10 minutes later we were back, I can safely say he ate his words and he had to scoff on his own words about the handling, I didn't really push the scoob but I made sure he knew how many leagues ahead my car was.

I seriously doubt he will be spewing his BS for a while - it's safe to say he hates me now ;-)

 

One of my students told me with a straight face that he consumed 15 pints on a Friday and on a Saturday night, every week, down the local pub

So you can afford 30 pints @ £2.50 a pint = £90 a week or £360 a month can you?

and you only look 12 years old

idiot

as a lecturer I thought it my duty to publicly humiliate him, anyway I near as damn it live in that pub and Ive never seen him *hic*

 

Used to drink with a guy who's Ford Cortina 1.3 could do 70 in 2nd gear.

Prove it then big boy...........he shouted above the noise of the screaming engine something wasnt right at about 25 MPH in 2nd, yes you are correct we said your bottom end has just fell off 300yds ago.

An assistant manager of a hotel i used to frequent had one of them old Nissan Silvia's 1.8 Turbo's, now while it was alright it wasnt anything special.
My MY96 at the time was standard but somehow mysteriously p#ssed all over his 400 BHP Silvia, he actually stood hands on hips opened the bonnet and tried to make out he was fixing something that wasnt right after the defeat.
He crashed it into a taxi several months later at wait for it....................








170 MPH and walked away without a scratch.

Course you did.

 

these stories are fookin great!!!!

 

YouTube - Saxondale series 2, episode 1 intro

Watch this. Series 2, Episode 1 - opening scene of Saxondale.
Brilliant!

Nick

 

Thats class!! about sum's up this thread

 

Saxondale is fuking hilarious. Always love the opening scenes!

And it's set in Stevenage (where I work).

 

welcome to dick club

 

reminds me about the time when a good mate of mine who i have worked with in the past 3/4 jobs (strange story by itself) bought a clio 172 and told me that "it blitzes scoobs, Ive raced loads"

i didn't want to race him, i couldn't be arsed, but anyway everybody was winding me up, factory work is tough and when people you don't even know are calling you a ***** its time to take action, my mate finished his shift about 15 mins before me so i told him to wait for me after work.

came out the exit, he is there, parked next to my scooby, foglights on revving his engine

anyway, i asked him to let me warm it up first, and off we went,

well, we did the usual side by side on the exit of a roundbout up the dual carriageway malarkey and i slaughtered his ***

next set of traffic lights, i let him pull away first = slaughtered his ***

next set of traffic lights, i gave it a full blown drag start and he gave up after about 2 meters

he then bought an evo 6 ??!!?? so we did the same, and the end result was the same = muppet
he then bought an evo8 and spent about 4k on it and i politely refused to race him = pissed him off even more

 

took him 3 attempts to match you... quality. third time lucky and all that.

whats your spec mr sticky