Someone down, how to help?
24 June 2005, 03:45 PM
#31
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lol.. word it how you like.... means the same thing 
this is why when men are on the phone its a 30 second conversation about which pub to meet in etc yet a woman drives the phone bill through the roof
this is why when men are on the phone its a 30 second conversation about which pub to meet in etc yet a woman drives the phone bill through the roof
24 June 2005, 04:33 PM
#33
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Its horrible when relationships break down 
from your posts it seems you guys haven't got children to worry about which I guess is a good thing.
Its never easy to split up with a partner but things are even worse when you have to lose living with your child too
from your posts it seems you guys haven't got children to worry about which I guess is a good thing. Its never easy to split up with a partner but things are even worse when you have to lose living with your child too
24 June 2005, 04:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Blue one
Yes the girls can word things better 
24 June 2005, 05:00 PM
#35
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Originally Posted by davegtt
women = head f#*ks.... move out for christs sake, you split with the guy and then rub it in his face by being there every other minute of the day....
rather nasty if you ask me... even if you couldnt have sorted somewhere else to live for another week or so you could have kept stum for that week until you was prepared to actually break the relationship....
rather nasty if you ask me... even if you couldnt have sorted somewhere else to live for another week or so you could have kept stum for that week until you was prepared to actually break the relationship....
Move out and leave him the hell alone.
If he is actually upset and seeing you upsets him more, the sooner you leave him be the quicker he'll get over it.
I cant believe you seem to think he'll magically bounce back when you are reminding him of what he had every time you see him (I.E. every time he walks through the door!).
Even if you are happy to be shot of him have some consideration for his feelings FFS.
astraboy.
24 June 2005, 05:41 PM
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Well, I better chip in, as Dr Mark hasn't posted on any relationship threads for a while
Maybe I have missed somethng here, but I don't see mention of whose place it is, whether it's his or yours, or both of yours, whether it's rented or purchased.
Regardless, one of you needs to move out now.
I think the majority of us know how hard and hurtful a breakup can be, and seeing that person, up close and personal, just after the bombshell has been dropped is never easy.
It seems like a good idea, to try and cheer him up and reassure him, but you're the last person he'll actually want to hear that from, and it could well sound to him as you're being all cheery about it and have totally switched off all feelings towards him, and that'll make him feel a million times worse.
In an ideal world, as said by others, you'd have moved out or been ready to, before breaking the news to him, and then you'd have been gone. But the real world is far from ideal, and others said, emotions tend to get in the way of clear thoughts.
It's a pity he doesn't have anyone nearby who he can confide it, but one assumes he could phone them, and that's something he needs to do. He needs to talk to someone, you can't just bottle this stuff up.
Maybe I have missed somethng here, but I don't see mention of whose place it is, whether it's his or yours, or both of yours, whether it's rented or purchased.
Regardless, one of you needs to move out now.
I think the majority of us know how hard and hurtful a breakup can be, and seeing that person, up close and personal, just after the bombshell has been dropped is never easy.
It seems like a good idea, to try and cheer him up and reassure him, but you're the last person he'll actually want to hear that from, and it could well sound to him as you're being all cheery about it and have totally switched off all feelings towards him, and that'll make him feel a million times worse.
In an ideal world, as said by others, you'd have moved out or been ready to, before breaking the news to him, and then you'd have been gone. But the real world is far from ideal, and others said, emotions tend to get in the way of clear thoughts.
It's a pity he doesn't have anyone nearby who he can confide it, but one assumes he could phone them, and that's something he needs to do. He needs to talk to someone, you can't just bottle this stuff up.
24 June 2005, 06:49 PM
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have some consideration for his feelings FFS
For all we know she might have been so repressed she doesn't know anyone to ask help from.
Of course, I could be well off the mark but without the full details it's hard to make any diagnosis, and equally hard to come up with the cure
24 June 2005, 07:20 PM
#38
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Oooh, I'm being mentally tortured by a violent person. Hmm lets break up and live with him day to day.
..and then try to help him through the split.
Do me a favour
..and then try to help him through the split.
Do me a favour
Last edited by Jay m A; 24 June 2005 at 07:23 PM.
24 June 2005, 08:21 PM
#40
As a grand master of many break ups /shattered dreams /divorces /adultry/and general bad behavior i think you must move out NOW
Not to put the frighterners on you but he could turn violent as he sees no way forward and it is torture for him seeing you every day
Off to your relatives for a few days or boot him out and change the locks
you have to make a clean break or it will get worse .
Not to put the frighterners on you but he could turn violent as he sees no way forward and it is torture for him seeing you every day
Off to your relatives for a few days or boot him out and change the locks
you have to make a clean break or it will get worse .
24 June 2005, 08:43 PM
#41
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The problem is that women are like monkeys, they won't let go of one branch till they have a firm grip on the next. Dumping someone and then staying in the house with them is a classic example, just in case you don't find anyone else, you know you have a fall back.
Its interesting that he is all broken up and you are not, wonder if that situation would be reversed if he kicked you out or started bringing home random birds for some therapeutic relief? (which would be my recommendation - fall of the bike, get straight back on!)
Move out, leave him to it and get on with your own life.
Oh, and good luck as well
Its interesting that he is all broken up and you are not, wonder if that situation would be reversed if he kicked you out or started bringing home random birds for some therapeutic relief? (which would be my recommendation - fall of the bike, get straight back on!)
Move out, leave him to it and get on with your own life.
Oh, and good luck as well
24 June 2005, 08:55 PM
#42
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Sorry nsld, you're completely crackers!
When someone might have been completely governed by someone fukcing with their mind, and if violence did play a part, it takes a lot of guts to actually finish the relationship.
It's only a bloke that would mention 'theraputic relief'
Is that all you blokes EVER think about?
That's why most relationships fail actually, because too much pressure is put upon the female for sex that in turn makes them loath the man as that's all he appears to be interested in.
But that's another thread subject isn't it
When someone might have been completely governed by someone fukcing with their mind, and if violence did play a part, it takes a lot of guts to actually finish the relationship.
It's only a bloke that would mention 'theraputic relief'
Is that all you blokes EVER think about?That's why most relationships fail actually, because too much pressure is put upon the female for sex that in turn makes them loath the man as that's all he appears to be interested in.
But that's another thread subject isn't it
24 June 2005, 09:18 PM
#43
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Originally Posted by Soulgirl
Sorry nsld, you're completely crackers!
When someone might have been completely governed by someone fukcing with their mind, and if violence did play a part, it takes a lot of guts to actually finish the relationship.
It's only a bloke that would mention 'theraputic relief' Is that all you blokes EVER think about?
That's why most relationships fail actually, because too much pressure is put upon the female for sex that in turn makes them loath the man as that's all he appears to be interested in.
But that's another thread subject isn't it
When someone might have been completely governed by someone fukcing with their mind, and if violence did play a part, it takes a lot of guts to actually finish the relationship.
It's only a bloke that would mention 'theraputic relief'
Is that all you blokes EVER think about?That's why most relationships fail actually, because too much pressure is put upon the female for sex that in turn makes them loath the man as that's all he appears to be interested in.
But that's another thread subject isn't it
Firstly, not crackers, take a look at a lot of your girlfriends, they will all do it.
Believe it or not not every relationship has people being mindf**ked or violent. I speak from experience having been accused of exactly that by my now ex wife, I defended the grounds of her divorce proceedings and won! What you call controlling is not giving way to every demand that a woman makes. Its the same reason why I came out of the other end of my divorce in good shape and she didn't, I didnt put up with her or her solicitors sh*t.
As for the Therapeutic relief, thats how men are programmed psychologically, you need emotional stimuli, we need physical, and yes it does make us feel a lot better.
As for the too much pressure for sex bit what tends to happen is that women use sex as a weapon to get what they want because they want the power in the relationship, if your a good boy you mught get some sex, that kind of thing.
As for the guts to end a violent or psychologically damaging relationship I have no sympathy for anyone that stays with someone who does that. It doesn't take guts to leave, whats more important your health and survival or the house and dog?
As for the situation on this thread the only mindf**k is the one he is getting, leave him but live with him and hope to help him through it! WTF is that all about?. Id put money on the fact that the lady in question already has someone else on the go!
Most relationships fail because people have unrealistic expectations and cant cope with teh mundane situation of ordinary life. Women believe the crap written mainly by gay men or man haters in Cosmo as to what life should be like. If womens mags told women what they need to hear and not what they want to hear we wouldnt be in this situation!.
24 June 2005, 09:26 PM
#44
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What men fail to realise is that inaugral row about not wanting sex turns the tide for women. They are made to feel as though there isn't anything else about them worthy of your attention.
You may have been at the recieving end of a woman who lied about her treatment, still, there are women beaten, strangled and emotionally bereted every second of every day. Trouble is, the real sufferers keep their gobs shut tight giving statistics the upper hand.
I'll tell you this, I too was accused of lying about violence. Bruises around my neck were cast aside because he was 'such a nice bloke'. Well, after being literally kicked out of bed with two feet once a week I was certainly not willing to stay in that relationship any longer. Trouble was, I was not rich! I needed a cut of our shared property. I had to wait 3 month for that so with no disposable income nor any friends to stay with I had no alternative but to stay put. He could have moved out to his parents but he had no intention of making it that easy. More mind **** games!
I think you have read to many copies of Cosmo
Hang on! This isn't about me LOL... but you can see why I get quite irate
You may have been at the recieving end of a woman who lied about her treatment, still, there are women beaten, strangled and emotionally bereted every second of every day. Trouble is, the real sufferers keep their gobs shut tight giving statistics the upper hand.
I'll tell you this, I too was accused of lying about violence. Bruises around my neck were cast aside because he was 'such a nice bloke'. Well, after being literally kicked out of bed with two feet once a week I was certainly not willing to stay in that relationship any longer. Trouble was, I was not rich! I needed a cut of our shared property. I had to wait 3 month for that so with no disposable income nor any friends to stay with I had no alternative but to stay put. He could have moved out to his parents but he had no intention of making it that easy. More mind **** games!
I think you have read to many copies of Cosmo
Hang on! This isn't about me LOL... but you can see why I get quite irate
24 June 2005, 10:58 PM
#45
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nsld : DO NOT GENERALISE . ALL women are not the same. It has obviously been your misfortune to know only this clinging type.
Speaking for myself, I have happily lived alone , run my own business single-handed and not needed to lean on any fella. Now I am re-married and very happy too, but content to know that I can be happy with or without a partner.
Perhaps you should take a look in the mirror?
Yve
Speaking for myself, I have happily lived alone , run my own business single-handed and not needed to lean on any fella. Now I am re-married and very happy too, but content to know that I can be happy with or without a partner.
Perhaps you should take a look in the mirror?
Yve
25 June 2005, 01:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Soulgirl
What men fail to realise is that inaugral row about not wanting sex turns the tide for women. They are made to feel as though there isn't anything else about them worthy of your attention.
You may have been at the recieving end of a woman who lied about her treatment, still, there are women beaten, strangled and emotionally bereted every second of every day. Trouble is, the real sufferers keep their gobs shut tight giving statistics the upper hand.
I'll tell you this, I too was accused of lying about violence. Bruises around my neck were cast aside because he was 'such a nice bloke'. Well, after being literally kicked out of bed with two feet once a week I was certainly not willing to stay in that relationship any longer. Trouble was, I was not rich! I needed a cut of our shared property. I had to wait 3 month for that so with no disposable income nor any friends to stay with I had no alternative but to stay put. He could have moved out to his parents but he had no intention of making it that easy. More mind **** games!
I think you have read to many copies of Cosmo
Hang on! This isn't about me LOL... but you can see why I get quite irate
You may have been at the recieving end of a woman who lied about her treatment, still, there are women beaten, strangled and emotionally bereted every second of every day. Trouble is, the real sufferers keep their gobs shut tight giving statistics the upper hand.
I'll tell you this, I too was accused of lying about violence. Bruises around my neck were cast aside because he was 'such a nice bloke'. Well, after being literally kicked out of bed with two feet once a week I was certainly not willing to stay in that relationship any longer. Trouble was, I was not rich! I needed a cut of our shared property. I had to wait 3 month for that so with no disposable income nor any friends to stay with I had no alternative but to stay put. He could have moved out to his parents but he had no intention of making it that easy. More mind **** games!
I think you have read to many copies of Cosmo
Hang on! This isn't about me LOL... but you can see why I get quite irate
Your own experience is horrible, but there are places you could have gone. There are a huge range of services to support women who were in your position. From my own personal perspective, had you been one of my friends and told me what was happening I would have put you up till it was sorted. Anyone who can leave a friend or relative in that situation if they are aware of it is no friend in my book. About 25% of women experience violence from their partner at one time or another ( 1 in 4) and about 16% of men do (1 in 6). Yet the support services, helplines, charities etc are almost exclusively aimed at women.
In terms of my experience it was not unique, even the government estimates that 30% of allegations of Domestic violence are false and motivated by other intentions including greed and keeping children from their fathers.
I may have read too many copies of Cosmo, unfortunately its read by a lot more women.
25 June 2005, 01:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Apparition
nsld : DO NOT GENERALISE . ALL women are not the same. It has obviously been your misfortune to know only this clinging type.
Speaking for myself, I have happily lived alone , run my own business single-handed and not needed to lean on any fella. Now I am re-married and very happy too, but content to know that I can be happy with or without a partner.
Perhaps you should take a look in the mirror?
Yve
Speaking for myself, I have happily lived alone , run my own business single-handed and not needed to lean on any fella. Now I am re-married and very happy too, but content to know that I can be happy with or without a partner.
Perhaps you should take a look in the mirror?
Yve
You ask me not to generalise then you assume that I have only known this clinging type, pot, kettle etc.
Not all men are the same either, what you have done is no different to me, I run my own business, have been very happy on my own, and now live with my partner in a very fair and equitable relationship, neither being dependent on the other and we both have our own space.
Your comment about looking in the mirror I assume suggests that I have bought this situation on myself in some way? Can you elaborate on that as its not clear to me what you mean.
25 June 2005, 09:17 AM
#49
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Hi nsld,
I wasn't generalising about you, I was committing the cardinal sin of assuming. Taking the only evidence I had to hand from what you'd written earlier in this thread. Forgive me for that.
It just galls me to read the way "some" folks on here seem to "have a go", without knowing the full tale. I too easily spring to people's defence. Should just read and keep my opinions to myself I guess. I always seem to upset people. Maybe I'm a bit clumsy in the PR department.
Sorry about the mirror bit...... Must've been a long day.
I wasn't generalising about you, I was committing the cardinal sin of assuming. Taking the only evidence I had to hand from what you'd written earlier in this thread. Forgive me for that.
It just galls me to read the way "some" folks on here seem to "have a go", without knowing the full tale. I too easily spring to people's defence. Should just read and keep my opinions to myself I guess. I always seem to upset people. Maybe I'm a bit clumsy in the PR department.
Sorry about the mirror bit......
Must've been a long day.
25 June 2005, 09:26 AM
#50
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Originally Posted by Apparition
Hi nsld,
I wasn't generalising about you, I was committing the cardinal sin of assuming. Taking the only evidence I had to hand from what you'd written earlier in this thread. Forgive me for that.
It just galls me to read the way "some" folks on here seem to "have a go", without knowing the full tale. I too easily spring to people's defence. Should just read and keep my opinions to myself I guess. I always seem to upset people. Maybe I'm a bit clumsy in the PR department.
Sorry about the mirror bit...... Must've been a long day.
I wasn't generalising about you, I was committing the cardinal sin of assuming. Taking the only evidence I had to hand from what you'd written earlier in this thread. Forgive me for that.
It just galls me to read the way "some" folks on here seem to "have a go", without knowing the full tale. I too easily spring to people's defence. Should just read and keep my opinions to myself I guess. I always seem to upset people. Maybe I'm a bit clumsy in the PR department.
Sorry about the mirror bit......
Must've been a long day.
25 June 2005, 11:08 AM
#51
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Lifes to short to worrie about we get one chance at it so he found you you found him you will both find somewone else he will realise that in time [probly one of your mates at that
Best of luck
The single dad with 15 children and several wives
Best of luck
The single dad with 15 children and several wives
25 June 2005, 12:14 PM
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circumstances, its all about circumstances isnt it...? and as for commenting on the situation its human nature to make assumptions, very difficult thing not to do...thats the problem when someone wants advice and only offers part of the story...i think its very difficult if not impossible to give advice in a situation like this because you get so many options it makes your head swim, we all know this as most of us will have been in a similar position...MOST people know their options and will have a fair idea what they will do and simply require the support and understanding of those around them and using a forum is very cathartic way of doing this, i know i did it a few years ago...so maybe we should support and not advise until we know the whole story...?!? (hint, hint)
27 June 2005, 09:16 AM
#54
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Ok, we are renting, which is why I am still in the house.
I cannot afford to move out and still pay rent in the current place.
I did get away to family/friends at the weekend and it was a much needed break, he made time to speak to someone.
At home I am under pressure all the time from him. It is not fun for either of us.
His thoughts are now not as bad as they were, which is a slight relief, although he is still in pieces.
I cannot afford to move out and still pay rent in the current place.
I did get away to family/friends at the weekend and it was a much needed break, he made time to speak to someone.
At home I am under pressure all the time from him. It is not fun for either of us.
His thoughts are now not as bad as they were, which is a slight relief, although he is still in pieces.
27 June 2005, 01:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Apparition
Hi nsld,
I wasn't generalising about you, I was committing the cardinal sin of assuming. Taking the only evidence I had to hand from what you'd written earlier in this thread. Forgive me for that.
It just galls me to read the way "some" folks on here seem to "have a go", without knowing the full tale. I too easily spring to people's defence. Should just read and keep my opinions to myself I guess. I always seem to upset people. Maybe I'm a bit clumsy in the PR department.
Sorry about the mirror bit...... Must've been a long day.
I wasn't generalising about you, I was committing the cardinal sin of assuming. Taking the only evidence I had to hand from what you'd written earlier in this thread. Forgive me for that.
It just galls me to read the way "some" folks on here seem to "have a go", without knowing the full tale. I too easily spring to people's defence. Should just read and keep my opinions to myself I guess. I always seem to upset people. Maybe I'm a bit clumsy in the PR department.
Sorry about the mirror bit......
Must've been a long day.Its not a case of "having a go" its an opinion based on the info provided which was scarce but I see has now got a little deeper at the end of the thread.
As for just reading and keeping opinions to yourself, it would be a boring forum if no one replied! Life would be boring without debate and counter debate.
I wasnt upset by what you wrote, more confused by the mirror bit, and we all have long days.....joys of running your own business....I know the feeling well.
Have a great day
27 June 2005, 01:09 PM
#57
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Originally Posted by Blue one
Ok, we are renting, which is why I am still in the house.
I cannot afford to move out and still pay rent in the current place.
I did get away to family/friends at the weekend and it was a much needed break, he made time to speak to someone.
At home I am under pressure all the time from him. It is not fun for either of us.
His thoughts are now not as bad as they were, which is a slight relief, although he is still in pieces.
I cannot afford to move out and still pay rent in the current place.
I did get away to family/friends at the weekend and it was a much needed break, he made time to speak to someone.
At home I am under pressure all the time from him. It is not fun for either of us.
His thoughts are now not as bad as they were, which is a slight relief, although he is still in pieces.
If you move out why do you have to still pay the rent? Or is it that if he moves out you cannot pay the rent on your own?
The only answer is to move out, it hardly sounds like you are happy either. Perhaps you should both quit the house and go elsewhere and start again.
If you go and stop paying your share of the rent your ex will have to stand on his own two feet and move on which is probably what you both need and by the sound of it what he definitely needs.
As you dont own the house and there is no equity to lose or repo to worry about you should get on with it.