A few quick jokes
 

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.


Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave = me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were two Hovis Witnesses.


A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...


ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!


Two junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!


Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'


A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'


Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pr etty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!


An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

With the recent advertising campaign by coca cola to produce bottles of coke with people's names on them, I decided to go and find one with the girlfriends on. After searching for what seemed like ages I decided to get the next best thing and bought her a kit kat chunky...

:lol1: Well done, Oldun! :thumb:

Oldun's but gooduns

Some good ones. I like one-liners.

Some of those are brilliant :lol1:

:thumb:

The last one is my fave :)

I put a full load in the dishwasher last night

She spat it out, as usual

I just showed that one to the wife and if I could have taken a video of her reaction and posted it you would have pi55ed yourself laughing, I still am :lol1::lol1:

You know what's remarkable?

Whiteboards.

Made me laugh!

Les :)