It's Tuesday ....
 

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning
to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning the slag in the morning !


"What's your name ?"
"Colin ****ing Wilson"
"Do you suffer from Tourette's Colin ?"
"No, but the vicar christening me did".


I was at work yesterday when a female colleague asked me what my ring
tone was. I said "light brown like everyone else's".
These women are certainly more forward these days.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers....... so I
did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's
group The Monkees. I thought she was joking.........And then I saw her face.


Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm
50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a
couple of Swan Vesta matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to walk.


In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.
The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently, it's Africa!


One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Scousers and Pikeys is not the correct answer!


George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh,
She's Eleven."


My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker!


There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Camberley but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets!


You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools!


My wife dumped me for being too kinky. I nearly choked on her sh!t.

What would Princess Diana be doing if she was alive today?
¦
¦
¦
¦
Scratching the lid of her coffin screaming ''arrrggghhh, get me out, get me out!!!''


It's well documented that homer Simpson loves butter, he also enjoys spreading marge.


I’ve built myself a log cabin, it's great apart from the smell of sh!t.


I was feeling depressed earlier today so I chucked a Muslim in a big bucket of bleach, that lightened Mahmood.

My girlfriend and I went for a walk across a frozen lake last December whilst holidaying in Greenland.
She said, "Do you think the woman on the hotel reception is pretty?"
I said, "You're walking on thin ice love."
She said, "Ohh, rattled your cage, have I?"
And then she slipped through the ice and drowned.
What a hilarious misunderstanding.


My girlfriend said she was breaking up with me because I'm too immature.
I replied, "You're talking a load of updoc."
You should have seen the joy sweep across my face as she replied,
"What's updoc?"


I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night.
"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.
"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.
"Salad tastes nice." I said





And for the Fanbois ....

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new childrens iPod
after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

My Gran doesn't understand technology.
"Why do youngsters have these iPhones? I mean, having a phone for your eye is pointless," she complains.
"No Gran," I explain. "An iPhone isn't for an eye. It's for a c*nt."


Enjoy!

Dave

Too many words for my flu infested eyes to read..... :(

This has been lifted from that aussie bloke on Mock the Week :Suspiciou

I've got emails going back over 10 years with "jokes" in them. Saw this from, about, 10 years ago in my collection and thought I'd post it. I have no idea where it came from originally though one of the guys who was a regular "contributor" for me is a Kiwi who moved to Oz ..... :wonder:

Dave

So I bought a second hand satnav from Bono...
The streets have no name :mad:

Then I changed the voice to Bonny Tyler's, well that was a mistake.
Mine kept telling me to turn around and every now and then it fell apart!


I invaded the stage at REM's last ever concert.
"That's me in the spotlight."


I met a girl with a plasticine fanny last week.
We havent had sex yet, but I think i've made a good impression.

Last night I asked her if she would w4nk me off.
She started rubbing my dick with her keyring.
I thought to myself... Is it me or is she fobbing me off?


Called my boss earlier & said I won't be returning to work because I've got vaginal issues.

He said, "For f*ck sakes you're a man!"

I replied, "Yes and you're a c*nt!!!"

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

In Britain they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.


:D