A few to cheer you lot up :)
 

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"






"Oh that crazy old fart, she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January


:D



How to get to Heaven from Scotland ...



I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday
school class to see if they understood the
concept of getting into heaven.


I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"


"NO!" the children answered.


"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"


Again, the answer was 'No!'


By now I was starting to smile.


"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweeties to all the children, and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"


Again, they all answered 'No!'


I was just bursting with pride for them.


I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted,

"Yuv goat tae be fukin' deid"

Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir e'e...


Second Hand or Used Cars


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/09...dsworth/wr.jpg


:)

LOL @ BMW ad

I like my cars run in a little :D

Might as well join in...........



Whilst in bed, do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled the bed covers up to her neck and said - "Look, Phillip, I'm a stamp!"



I walked over to this girl in a nightclub the other day and decided to play my charm, so I went up to her and said "hi, my mates dared me to go up to the sexiest girl in the club and ask her out", by now she was getting all excited as she didn't know just how sexy she was, until I said "do you think I should do it".



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."



Capello was watching Wayne Rooney in training.

First he dribbled round Wright-Phillips, then Rio Ferdinand, Ashley Cole, Walcott, Defoe and Heskey.

"No!", shouted Capello from the sidelines.

"Round the cones Wayne, the CONES!"




I went to a casino last night and was stood next to guy playing Blackjack that kept having win after win after win.

I couldn't believe this guys look but realised he was stood on a what looked like a bit of bread.

I asked him. " Mate, what's that under your shoe?"

He said. " Shhh! I'm on a roll."




I went to an anorexia club yesterday.

It was heaving all night.



I've only gone a fallen over on the ice... I lost my phone, keys and wallet too.

Must have been black ice.



My wife says she hates it when our next door neighbour sunbathes topless in the garden.

Personally I'm on the fence about this…



:D

is it too early to make jokes about haiti?........or shall we wait for the dust to settle?

anyone fancy a charity do at the weekend?its for women with no legs, so i have heard the dancefloor will be crawling with fanny!

TAXI !!!

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror...

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'



The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's ****ing perfect babe'

searching for survivors after the haiti earthquake, rescuers hear a noise from a pile of rubble, a frail pakistani voice says


" dont go...we're still open "

:)

Love em :lol1::lol1::lol1:

i know how those poor buggers in haiti feel, last time i had 30 aftershocks i couldnt find my fooking house either!!

lol :lol:

I was wondering when you were going to open the joke book again Swiss, let us know when you do!

Les ;)

whats got eight legs and one mean black ****?.... the A team

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided
to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.



The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.



Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,






"What's for dinner,Batman?"






BLIND MAN IN A FEMALE BIKER BAR
>
> A blind man wanders into a Female Biker Bar by mistake. He finds his way to
> a bar stool and orders some coffee.
>
> After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna
> hear a blonde joke?'
>
> The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,
> the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's
> only fair, given that you' re blind, that you should know five things:
>
> 1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
>
> 2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
>
> 3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
>
> 4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
>
> 5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
>
> Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
>
> The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters....'No, not
> if I'm going to have to explain it five times.'

Enjoying them so far. :luxhello:
come on guys I've a family gathering soon and need some new material :thumb:

Have a look here

The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!! - Page 61 - SciForums.com

Indian Restaurants in Haiti have a new menu.


Chicken bury Aunty, Nan dead and poppa gone,

What goes 3, 28, 57, 82, 108?
A postman doing his rounds in Haiti



I do have a good one.... but won't post that as i don't fancy being banned!!! ;)

Spit it out Gary - You pay revenue - they won't touch you ;)