Do You Get On With Your Dad?(Long Read)
 

I'm not usually one for posting serious stuff on the internet but I really don't know what to do at the moment.

I've had a good upbringing and I got on great with my Dad, but recently things have taken a turn for the worst. I'm 22 and although I moved away when I went to college, I now live back home with my parents. Over the last few years I've found it increasingly difficult to get on with my Dad.

When I left college at 18 I started working full time with a joiner just doing casual labour. I had always been a bit quiet before that and never really thought I was useful for much, but the guy I worked for was great and gave me a lot of confidence. He totally changed my life if I'm honest, and things have just got better since then!

But my Dad has never really liked me being confident and doing my own thing. He has a huge ego, and, although he puts on a swagger etc when he's out in public, he's actually very unsure of himself and constantly thinks people are taking the piss out of him. He has always seemed to get annnoyed very quickly if you aren't paying him attention. Also, no discussions can take place in the house unless they are in agreement with his views. He gets very defensive/aggressive about even the most trivial of discussions and immediately tries to shut you up by intimidating you.

This tends to be done by calling you pathetic and telling you that you don't have a clue what you're talking about. The thing is, I can now see that this is exactly the reason I had no confidence growing up.

I hate this kind of behaviour as I think it's very controlling and now whenever I hear him saying something like that to my Mum, I tell him what I think of him! He comes across as very petty to me.

As I said, over the last few years things have just become increasingly worse to the point where I find it hard to even speak to him 1 on 1.

So is this a sign that I should be getting my own place now and moving out?

I can't see any other way forward and I honestly can't see how I'll be able to speak to him properly again.

Has anyone else been through this? The atmosphere in the house now is terrible. :(

All comments welcome


p.s my Dad had a very troubled upbringing, which I know will be the source of the issues.

I'm sorry to hear about this, but to be honest, I think you've got your dad's number.

Yes, it is time for you to move out, if you can possibly afford to do so.

Time to move on, the close proximity will only exemplify the problem.
Hopefully absence will make the heart grow fonder as they say and you can pull together again.

move out, it's not working, ............. when do you visit, listen to your dads 'advice' and agree with it, however bad it is, listen to his views and nod, even when you disagree.............when you're feeling pissed off with him, play 'the living years' by mike and the mechanics............one day, maybe even when it is too late to tell him, he will your hero again.

Thanks for the replies. I really know it's what I have to do...was just wanting some opinions. To be honest I'm not in the financial position I want to be, but you can't have everything...

I now make most of my money by investing. I need the capital to trade with so putting a deposit down on a place would be impossible. Renting would be ideal.

Mate, you could be describing my life a "while back" when I was 22!! Your old man sounds exactly like mine to a tee. Put it this way by 23, I was living in my own flat :D

Is it not worth spending some time talking to your dad (outside the 4 walls of the house) and explaining to him how you feel.....obviously at the min it feels very attacking towards your dad and you may well be very in the right yet there's always two sides. Amd at the end of the day he's you father who obviously cares about ya -

sorry just think you should always resolve rather than walk away and allow it to get worse....

Andy.. :)

i had the same problem at home with my dad.we had scrap and i pretty much move out on the spot.not how i wish things had gone but i'm as fiery/stubborn as he is.but things soon got sorted out for the better:thumb:but thank god i moved out

yes i agree move out and stand on your own two feet and show your dad what your made of! he doesnt like the man that returned from college, he wants his boy back!! but you have grown up to be a man now.

but i feel sorry for your mum stuck in the house with your dad and nobody to stand up for her when the going gets tough !

if your dad's up-bringing was not very good ( am sorry to hear this ) but he should go out of his way to make his own kids feel good about themselves and give plenty of praise when needed.

it will do you both good a break from each other, sooner the better before things go beyond repair!!!!!

and maybe just maybe he will see what he is missing.

or play it the other way as said above and play along to his tune ( imho this would probably drive you crazy!!!! )

goodluck with whatever you decide.

I think there are two key processes occurring here.

You are getting to an age where is reasonable to move out - I left when I was 18 and never went back to live...and only rarely to stay.

You have also found a great deal of confidence that you did not have before. He will both feel threatened by that as well as envious that you have found someone else to be a source of your strength; something he could not give you.

The good thing is that you have clearly identified that his issues are not about you; however uncomfortable the situation. His behaviour is about his beliefs and rules he has picked up in his life.

If you love him then support his behaviour and be gentle with him. Remember it is not about you. He may only feel more threatened when you decide to leave.

Watch Field of Dreams - it might trigger some thoughts about your relationship with your father - either real or desired. Deep inside we all want our fathers to be strong and supportive and it is not always reality. The best we can do is accept them for what they are.

Good luck.

back when i was 19 (almost 5years ago) I sold my prized possessions, My Vextax Mixer and my CDJ800's which i'd previously bought 6months beforehand to fund getting my own pad. I did all this within 7days as one day talking to my father and realising that i despised him. The last thing I did with my father was got him to load up his van with my stuff and take me to my new house. Almost 5years on and i still aint had the urge to speak to him, i don't know where he lives infact for all i care he could be dead and i still despise him.

You only get one family but in my opinion if they are worth **** all to you, then its better to have none!

There has to be a time when you become your own man and strike out on your own. It's more difficult to do if your dad's spent a lot of time knocking your confidence, but it has to happen - it's part of life. You will not be hated by your mum and dad, even if there's a bust-up when you finally go, or if you leave despite your mum pleading with you not to go, lol. Once you're out of the home environment your dad will have to accept that you've become a man and his respect for you ought to increase. It is very, very scary leaving the safety net of home, so be sure that you can make it financially. The best way to do that is to be mature enough to accept that you're not going to have everything you want immediately, and that initial hardship is what we all go through. Cut your suit according to your cloth, basically, until you find your feet.You do sound mature and I'm sure you'll do ok if you strike out on your own.

Best of luck.

:norty:

:D

It will me a waste of time talking to your dad IMHO. Time to move on but don't have a big bust up if you can avoid it. Keep in touch and make sure your mum is doing OK. Any brothers or sister still at home?

There is a remote possibility that your dad has a mild medical condition e.g. early Alzies can make people aggressive and bad tempered or he has is worrying about something like a financial problem or has taken to the booze. I did say remote btw. Good luck pal.


dl (dad in his sixties)

through my childhood my dad was like a superhero to me even tho i never showed it or he knew I thought that, but as i grew older and wiser i saw he wasnt the man i took him for. for years i wanted to prove i was better then him, but it was really a lost cause to be honest, i was different from my dad not better not worse just different and it was only in the last few years he was alive i realised being a father has no right way or no wrong way your kids will see you as they see you. but see then how ever you will you will miss them when there gone, i know i have

Yup.

Ask your ole man for a subbie so as you can move out :D

- Im sure the whole situation will instantly be resolved forthwith

TBH dont get on with my father but then the coward has never been there, My step fathers another matter, i get on with him like a house on fire, we have a problems sometimes, but thats the thing with parents i think because you grow up with them in control i think its hard for them sometimes to realise that there opinion is not always the right one to have.
Personally i left home at 16, had to go back when i was 21 due to a relationship breakdown and my head been screwed, had a few clashes with the step father and moved out again,

I think moving out, then taking the time to talk to your dad may help the situation.

that is true -- but more importantly, break the cycle

when you have kids resolve to be the best father you can possibly be

even though I had a pretty good childhood, but I try and give all my kids the best childhood I possibly can -- by being supportive, loving and interested in them -- and above all giving time to them

A voice from the other side

It aint easy being a Dad either you want to try and make sure your kids don't make the same mistakes you did

My 14 year old daughter said to me last year that her friends Dad was better dad to er than me. It cut me to the quick and I questioned everything I did. A month later I heard her Friend say exactly the same about her father and wished I was her Dad

Perhaps we should just swap daughters ...LOL

But seriously I did take on board a few points i.e. we never have father daughter time on our own unlike her brother as he gets to come to all the shows with me

So I bought her a gun [my other passion in Clay shooting] and we now shoot every other Sunday just me and her and things are a lot better


Talking is the key

Glesgakiss. It's time to move out.

I never really got on with my Dad. He was always busy working. After work he'd go to the pub with work mates for a couple pints. Get back and just watch TV. Never really tried to make a Father/son relationship with me. As such we never really talked about stuff.

Weekends? Only spent an hour or so with him on a Sunday morning while my Sister was at Horse riding. Then he'd be off to the pub, then bed, before going out on the night playing in his Jazz band (Dixieland). He just wasn't into the whole kids thing. His job was to earn the money, and my mothers job was to bring up the kids.

As I got older, our relationship became strained. Hardly spoke or had anything to do with each other. It was when I got to about 15, my mother made him realise that the way our relationship was going, he was losing his son. Made him take time out to do things with me. Although he took me to play Snooker once a week or fortnight, and took me away on Holiday a couple years running, I wouldn't say we bonded.

I work for him, and go shooting with him every other week, but we both find it hard at times to just talk. Not in the way me and my Mother can. Years of no real Father/son relationship when I was young had set that president.

We get on far better now than ever, and years of hard work has paid off financially for both him and my mother. It would have been nice to have a better relationship with him when I was younger, but we didn't. Nothing mush I can do about that now.

Yes try and move. I got on a lot better with my dad after I'd moved out.

Wow, some deep replies here. Thanks for all the input.

I was feeling pretty low last night and it's good to know I'm not the only one who's had problems like this. It's very strange how things have totally changed in the last few years, but that's life!

I'm now looking for a flat to rent for the time being.

As you get older you develop more of your own personality, ideas and values. You are also more able to spot the flaws in peoples' personalities, even your own parents who when you where young chancse are you thought where right on most things and the best parents to have. Having lived away from them for a time i am sure you have noticed this - hence your post maybe.

They (parents) are only human with human flaws and it can be tough coming to terms with this and that they do not get it right all the time or are the best role models.

You might find the relationship get easier/better and less strained when you move out.

None of us are perfect and best to rememeber this when judging your dad:)

'Least said soonest mended' and 'you can choose you friends however, your relations are another matter' are alway worht remembering and very true!:)

When I was younger I lacked confidence because my Dad would take over any task I was doing be it maths homework or changing the tyre on my bike he would jump right in and take over. Of course he probably thought he was being a good dad but it left me with impression that he thought I could not do anything right.

I ended up leaving the company I was working for as an apprentice as when I was working with him He would jump in on any task I was set, totally negating the point of me being there.

I first moved out into a pokey flat when I was 21 and our relationship improved dramitically, not to mention my confidence improved without my Dad breathing down my back.

Yes time to move out

I had the same sort of things when i was your age ,we have nothing in common i like spending monsy on the good things in life while father likes to hourd up his monsy in the bank so nothing in common

sometimes its best just say hello once a week and keep it like that but always look after your mother

That is exactly the way I feel about things. I have worked with my Dad for the last two years building steel framed buildings all over the country. When I started I was doing everything, largely ignoring my Dad trying to stop me. My attitude was that I could do anything if I put in the effort and I like to think I was responsible for a lot of money being made. But there's only so long someone can have no effect on you when you spend a lot of time with them. Also bear in mind that he was the one paying my wages, and he made it clear that I had to do what I was told.

So when I left a few months ago I was doing virtually nothing. I was like a skivvy doing totally insignificant things exactly the way he wanted. I cannot believe how much motivation and confidence he sapped away and that is the cause of most of the resentment now.

My father was a very hard parent towards me and he instilled very strong discipline backed up with physical punishment. I think his father was similar and he was brought up in the old Victorian style.

By the same token he was pretty poor but he and my mother made many sacrifices for me to get a good education and he was protective of me and my sister,

When I joined the RAF, his attitude changed completely and it was as though I had suddenly grown up. We got on very well and when I went motor racing later he was there in the pits helping out and going to meetings all over the country. We were best mates then!

His hard attitude when I was younger did me no harm although I did not enjoy it much at the time. What I realise now is that it was all for my own good.

Les

Sound advice, you will miss him when he's no longer about. All of you make the most of your time with both parents. I found it very difficult losing parents, life changing.

I lost my dad at 17[1982] whilst he was working on my surprise Christmas present, a MKII Cortina So be gratful for what you have IMHO