Duck
 

Duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind,
can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round
this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm
a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more,
but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and
proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the
barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads
the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr.
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..
.

.


.



.


.



'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'



:D

That sort of made me feel bad, in a light-hearted sort of way :confused:

That is, quite possibly, the very worst joke I have ever heard ;)

:rolleyes:
:sleep:
:D

Swissy, you need a new joke book. That joke must have been from your school days :D

Well I liked it Swiss, no really I did ;) :lol1:

A Question That A Duck May Ask To A Butcher
Duck: Got Any Bread?
Butcher: No, This Is A Butchers! Piss Off or I will nail your beak to this counter
Duck: Got Any Nails?
Butcher: No
Duck: Got Any Bread???

How do you turn a Duck into a Soul Singer,






















Put it in the Microwave till its Bill Withers.

see it brings out all the duck jokes :D

It made me laugh. :lol1:

But then I'm easily amused. :Suspiciou

Quacking stuff! :thumb: :D

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
*



The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
*



So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
*



When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
*



A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
*



'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
*



'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that
you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
*



'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life.'



'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
*



'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
*



'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
*



'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish,
genie?'
*



'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
*



The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
*



She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. *Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
*



'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
*



So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
*



'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
*



'NO ****,' He said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
*
*
*
*
*

That was good :lol1: :lol1: :lol:

lol

Good one.

Les :D