All time favourite "Top Tips"
 

A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs

Anymore?

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

1. If you park your car in a large car park whilst at work leave your lights on so you can find it when you come back at night.
2. Carry a spare battery in the boot of your car just in case yours goes dead for some reason.
From Viz:D

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fcuking
thing in the first place, you fat b@st@rds.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all,
as to your allegiance.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic
explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their
noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to
impress the girls.

:lol1:

*laughing at post #5

Avoid the expense of a gravel driveway by covering it in Rice Crispies to acheive the same crunchy sound when you walk on it.

US Army Generals - If you catch the A Team under no circumstances lock them in a tool shed.

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and
talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,
or set fire to someone else's house.
Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham.

1. Save Energy by only looking one when crossing a one-way street.
2. Always look both ways when crossing a one-way street in case a dirty great removals van is reversing the wrong way up.

Feeling sad & lonely ? Close your eyes when walking down the street, you'll be certain to bump into someone.

Ensure you stand out in job interviews by shaving off your eyebrows.

D

Save money on expensive personalised number plates by changing your name by deed poll to that of your car's registration mark.

Yours faithfully
Mr P132DRT
Grimsby

(Courtesy of Viz)

Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a
few wank mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and
easier to smuggle into the toilet.
Carl Hesketh, Blackburn.

Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down
the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in
your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.
Simone Glover, Tottenham.

:lol1:

:mad:

Why spend a fortune on personalised numberplates?
Much cheaper to just get your name changed by deed-poll to suit your registration!

Yours sincerly

R967 OJK

Impress neighbours by streaching out a large blue tarpaulin in your garden prior to any aerial photos being taken.

D

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

After you have cut the grass ,sprinkle whiskey on the lawn.When it grows again it will come up half cut.

Note that playing music loudly can annoy your neighbours.

Another good way is to set light to their dustbin.

When taking up playing a musical instrument,you know you are getting the hang of it when your nieghbours throw bricks through the windows so they can hear you better.

When attempting to drive anywhere, dont forget your car.

Aviod arguments by punching anyone who disagrees with you in the face.

Have months of entertainment by buying the same television as your neighbours and standing in their front garden changing their channels with your remote control.

tip for great sex. while "making love" to your mrs from behine lean forward wrap one arm around her. softley wisper in her ear "your sister is alot better at this than you" . will be the wildest ride of your life.

Don't use mitre joints on the internal corners of skirting boards. Scribe them instead. :)

Save money on expensive binoculars, simply stand closer to the object you want to look at......

Bring ever lasting joy and happiness by donating all the money you can, when you can, to my...ahem....to the Happy joy joy fund. Account details are available upon request and all donations will be dealt with in a professional and confidential maner. Forward this message to 10 other people and triple you future happiness!!

Lick it 'til it spits.

Stop your half-finished loaf of bread from going dry overnight by keeping it in a bucket of water.