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Child Support Agency

The following are all replies that women have put on British Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind.
I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She
was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had
unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He
drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the
door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from
the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me
that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the Country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up
with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's ?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at
Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I
remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given] mine might have remained unfertilised.

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The following questions and answers were collated from last year's
British GCSE exams.

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised?(e.g.abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab wears on his head

Scooby in a lake ? :D