To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power.The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, andTwo Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty wellwith music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food inyour country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error isthat you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

p.s. - regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

1. Queens English kicks bottom!
2. What's with this 'we' business ??
3. I have a Texas Instruments calculator - was it made in Texas ??
4. German film industry ?? I'll give you Kraftwerk though, fair play.
5. God bless you ma'am.
6. I remember when England (we don't have a UK team btw) lost to the states a few years back - cost our manager (coach) his job ! Our fans abroad - well, boys will be boys.
7. Oh but the French are the spawn of Satan.
8. Ever seen F1 ?
9. Teletubbies - cute or what. Anyway, Marilyn Munroe Killed JFK.

Neil.

ps. thank your lucky stars that we didn't cave in and overcame a far superior force in the North Atlantic and in the air. Don't forget also how technologically backward the USA was in those days. Rolls Royce engines, radar, supersonic flight - you're welcome. Have a nice day.

1. I think the periodic table is a good enough excuse, don't you!
2. Learn to determine the difference between Scottish and Russian (Hunt for Red October)!
3. Maths, short for 'Mathematics', has an s at the end
4. If we had your money we could!
5. You're only jealous
6. We prefer to keep professionals out of the Olympics
7. When you lot stop eating Burgers & Fries we may listen
8. How come most of the American racing cars are built in England - THE home of Motorsport
9. Shows you lot still have to buy 'quality television'

regarding Wars - How come you lot killed more of our guys than the Iraqis???