1) A china man goes for an interview on a building site where the forman asks him a few questions.

Forman: What qualifications have you got

Mr Chang: Like what

Forman: Are you qualified as an electrition, carpenter, bricklayer, roofer.

Mr Chang: None of them

Forman: Well what can you do

Mr Change: The last site I was on I was a labourer

Forman: OK then I will put you in charge of supplies

Three days went by and the forman was getting a little concerned as he hadn't seen anything of Mr Chang, so he went insearch of him, he looked everywhere for him, even asking all the site workers to his where abouts, but he was nowhere to be found, so the forman very confused made his way back to his office, when suddenly Mr Chang jumped out from a pile of wood and shouted SUPPLIES!!!

2) Three men: one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."

Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his bum. The others raised their eyebrows.

"Will you look at that" says Paddy, I'm getting a fax."

3) A man appears before the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St Peter asks. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once I came upon a gang of high testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him: "Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me." St Peter was impressed and asked: "When did this happen?" The man replied: "Just a few minutes ago."

Sir Paul McCartney

Has just bought new wife Heather a plane
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

:D

Ken Livingstone

> > A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
> > me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
it
> > started."
> >
> > Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
> >
> > The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
> >
> > Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him
> > in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He
> > studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her
> > and
> > says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
to
> > assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
> >
> > He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's
have
> > a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed,
> >
> >
> >




> > "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."