Lets give everyone a chuckle with our best jokes - well done to Dogmaul for his contributions below.

Why do women wear make up and perfume?










Cos they're ugly and they smell:p

Sir Alex Ferguson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the
million pound question.

Chris Tarrant says "Right Sir Alex, this is for one million pounds, and
remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a set? Is it

a) a badger

b) a ferret

c) a mole or

d) a cuckoo?

Fergie ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.
I'll have to go 50-50."

Chris says "Right, Sir Alex, let's take away two wrong answers and see what
you're left with."

"Badger" and "cuckoo" are the two remaining answers.

Fergie has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm
still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

"So who are you going to call, Sir Alex?" says Chris.

"Hmmm..." ponders Fergie. "I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who
Wants To Be A Millionnaire'. I've got Sir Alex Ferguson here, and with your
help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sir
Alex's".

"Hello David" says Fergie. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in
a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Fergie.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Fergie, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

Final answer."

"Sir Alex," says Chris, "That's the correct answer. You've won one million
pounds!!" Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Fergie calls Beckham across. "Son, that was
brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a
call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger
lives in a set?" says Fergie.

"Oh I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in
a clock."

What do computers and women have in common...?










You don't appreciate either 'til they go down on you! :D

What does Wife mean?

Washing
Ironing
F**king
Etc

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can get closer to the sink :)

LOL@ Beckham:D

Im sorry some of these a far too old

WOMEN

1/ Why did God create woman?

To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.



2/ How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?

Phone her.



3/ Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care.



4/ What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.



5/ How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, let the bitch cook in the dark.



6/ What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?

One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.



7/ Why does the bride always wear white?

So the dishwasher will match the stove and refrigerator.



8/ What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.



9/ How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should have been opened on the way in.



10/ If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long.



11/ What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.



12/ How is a woman like a condom?

Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.



13/ What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.



14/ How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?

They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.



15/ What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After 10 years the job still sucks.



16/ Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.



17/ Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

Take it off and wonder where her tits went.



18/ How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.



19/ Why did the woman cross the road?

What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen?

A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results...

Mr Smith: "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."

Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2 sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"

Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"

Receptionist: "The doctor suggests that you drop her off in the middle of town, if she finds her way home, don't shag her.

Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"
The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the chair the cat,the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"
The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees,I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired.
"Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks why he's at the vet's.
"I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat,a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"
The Doberman says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

A passenger plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man
alive.
After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue.

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an
immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love.

One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face.

She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.
"Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my
life.
We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do
anything".

"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"

"OK"

"And my trousers?"

"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips.

"OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you'll never believe who I'm shagging'!!

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi, get out! We don't want your type in here."

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A seal walks into a club.

A man walks into a pub. "Pint of best." he says to the bar man. Whilst waiting for his drink, he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says, "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"
"Yes." the old man replies. "Do you want a pint?" our man says. "No, thanks. I've got one 'ere."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, "Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He hops up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman walks up to him and says, "What are you supposed to be?" The man says, "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man replies, "I've just come in my pants."

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were getting cold. They lit a fire in the craft to keep warm. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's anaesthetic during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the officeand asked them to disperse. "But why?" they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of them would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal'. The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him 'Juan'. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Sorry those last ones were appalling :D

Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering 5 boxes of tampax for 1 pound. She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager "Is this deal correct?"
"Yes madam, 5 boxes for a pound, no strings attached."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's bloody heavy."

Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his left ear. "What can I do to get it out?" he asks pathetically.
"Pour warm chocolate in the right ear and tilt your head" replies the Doc.

"How the bloody hell will that help?"
"Easy", replies the Doc, "When the chocolate cools it should come out a treat....."

A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling.
He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, "Don't you want to participate in our competition?"
The guy asks "What's it all about?"
The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink."
The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate............
...........the steaks are too high!"

Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says, 'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs.
Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some cumin, turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff. On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he's still out cold, so they decide to take him to hospital.
On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care. The doctor returns to his friends and asks, 'So what was he doing then? Cannabis?'
'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.'
'Oh' replies the doctor, 'so what did you put in it?'
> > 'Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.' The doctor sighs, 'Well that explains it.'
'Why, what's wrong with him?' demands one of the men
The doctor replies, 'He's in a korma.'

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"OK! OK!", the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh, **** mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops...."
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,
got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "and what do YOU want for breakfast, young man????"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f***ing Coco Pops...."

:D

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?
Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14
years of age.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

How do you tell if a chick's too fat to f*ck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
They keep stepping on the strings.

What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of each other?
A block of flaps!

What is the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a guy is humping her

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
You get to meet new people every day!

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Why do men like blowjobs?
It's the only time they get something into a woman's head
straight!

What's worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits!

Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A conga in an old people's home!

Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who
are always playing with them.

What do women & dog turds have in common?
The older they are,the easier they are to pick up!

What is the similarity between a woman and laxative?
They both irritate the **** out of you!

What's the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.

What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?
Toast is brown on both sides.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it's from.

An Eskimo is driving when his car starts to make a noise. He
takes it to the garage and the mechanic looks at it.
"Hmm, looks like you've blown a seal."
"No," says the Eskimo," it's just frost on my moustache."

did i allready post this??

Almost too ridiculous to believe... These are taken from original Rainbow scripts and there’s no way these could have been done by accident.
The sketch opens with Zippy peeling a banana...
Zippy: One skin, two skin, three skin, four.
George: Zippy, where is Bungle?
Zippy: I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up.

We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from behind it.
Bungle: Geoffrey, I can’t get it in.
Geoffrey: You managed it last night.
Bungle: I know, let’s try it round the other way. Ooooooh, I’ve got it in.

Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer and peg kit.
Bungle: Would you stick this on the shelf, George?
George: I can’t reach, you’ll have to stick it up yourself, Bungle.
Geoffrey (to camera): Hello everyone, today we are talking about playing.
Bungle: Playing with each other, Geoffrey?
Geoffrey: Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to play with?
George: Yesterday we played with each other’s balls. Are we going to play with our friend’s balls today?
Bungle: Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well.
Geoffrey (to camera): Have you seen Bungles twanger?
Zippy: Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it.
Bungle: It’s my plucking instrument.
Geoffrey (to camera): Can you pluck like Bungle?
Zippy: I can, I’m the best plucker here.
George: And I’m good at banging. My peg’s hard isn’t it Zippy?
Zippy: Well of course it is, your peg wouldn’t go in if it were soft.
Geoffrey: Let’s get back to Bungle’s twanger. Bungle (excited): Ooooooh Geoffrey, we could all play with our twangers couldn’t we? Let’s play the plucking song. Rod and Freddy can get their instruments out and Jane has got two lovely Maracas.
Singer’s Rod, Jane and Freddy enter.
Freddy: We could hear you all banging away.
Rod: Banging can be fun.
Jane: Ooooooh yes. I was banging away all last night with Rod and Freddy.
Freddy (looking sad): Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument.
Rod (to Jane): Do you want to blow on my pipe while I’m twanging away? Jane: Oh no, I was banging away with Freddy last night. But would you like to play with my maracas?
Zippy: No, let’s just pluck away with our twangers.
George: Yes, it doesn’t matter what size our twanger is.
Zippy: I’ve got a big red one.
George: I’ve only got a tiny twanger, but it works well and I like to play with it.
Geoffrey (to camera): Well, have you got your twangers out? And remember you can bang your balls at the same time. If you haven’t got any, ask a friend if you can play with his. Now, let’s all play the plucking song.
Everyone in studio: Pluck, pluck, pluck along, we’re going to pluck all day.

A MAN AND A WOMAN WERE DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD AND ARGUING ABOUT HIS
MANY CASES OF INFIDELITY WHEN SUDDENLY THE WOMAN REACHES OVER AND
SLICES HIS PENIS OFF AND ANGRILY TOSSES IT OUT THE CAR WINDOW.

DRIVING BEHIND THE COUPLE IS A MAN AND HIS SEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER.THE LITTLE GIRL IS JUST CHATTING AWAY TO HER FATHER WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THE PENIS SMACKS THE WINDSCREEN OF THEIR CAR, STICKS FOR A MOMENT, THEN SLIDES OFF. SURPRISED, THE DAUGHTER ASKS HER FATHER, "DADDY, WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?"

THINKING QUICKLY, THE FATHER REPLIES, "IT WAS ONLY A BIG INSECT,
PRINCESS."

THE LITTLE GIRL SITS WITH A CONFUSED LOOK ON HER FACE, AND AFTER A
FEW MINUTES SAYS.........

"SURE HAD A BIG DICK, DIDN'T IT?

American footballer being interviewed after a game...
"So tell me, do you prefer grass or astroturf?"
"Dunno man, ain't never smoked astroturf"


Husband and wife come out of the sex therapists.
"Right, we've got to work on our body language" says the man.
"When I want sex, i'll stroke your beft breast. When i don't want sex, i'll stroke your right breast"
"Fine", says his wife. "What will i do?"
"Well", he says "If you want sex, stroke my penis once"
"And if i don't want sex?" she asks
"Stroke it 200 times"


Why is Lieutenant Uhuru brown?
William Shatner.


Three blondes driving around Orlando trying to get to DisneyWorld.
They eventually come to a sign "DisneyWorld Left"
So they give up and go home.


What's the odd one out.
A blonde, a brunette or an airplane?

The blonde...the other two have black boxes.


A class full of primary school kids.
Teacher says "Today class, we'll be learning how to put words into sentances. Todays word is contagious...anyone?"
Little Scottish girls hand rockets up...
"My little brother has chickenpox and mum says they're contagious"
"That's excellent", says teacher, "anyone else?"
Wee English lad pops up his hand...
"I heard someone say smiling is contagious" he pipes.
"Well done, anymore?"
The Irish boy in the class decides to habe a go and raises his hand...
"Me nextdoor neighbour's building a fence and my da say's it'll take the contagious"

...and then the teacher asks for someone to include the word "pistol" in a sentence.

Little Laura stand up, and says (in very posh accent),
"my daddy is a soldier,
he has a suit of blue,
he has a sword and a bayonet,
and a pistol too"

Very good Laura, anyone else ?

Boy at the back puts up his hand, teacher, "go on then Bournville"

"my daddy isn't a soldier,
he doesn't have a suit of blue,
he draws his dole at half past twelve,
and he's on the pi55 till two"

Joke :D

Learn Korean in 5 Minutes (Must Read Out Loud)


1) That's not right.......................Sum Ting Wong


2) Are you harboring a fugitive......Hu Yu Hai Ding


3) See me ASAP.........................Kum Hia


4) Stupid Man............................Dum Gai


5) Small Horse...........................Tai Ni Po Ni


6) Did you go to the beach.............Wai Yu So Tan


7) I bumped the coffee table...........Ai Bang Mai Ni


8) I think you need a face lift..........Chin Tu Fat


9) It's Very dark in here................Wao So Dim


10) I Thought you were on a diet.......Wai Yu Mun Ching


11) This is a tow away zone.............No Pah King


12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week............Wai Yu Kum Nao


13) Staying out of sight...................Lei Ying Lo


14) He's cleaning his automobile .......Wa Shing Ka


15) Your body odor is offensive.........Yu Stin Ki Pu


16) Great....................................Fa Kin Su Pah

Why was the blonde staring at the side of an OJ carton?

It said "concentrate" on the side.


What do U.F.O.s and intelligent blondes have in common?

They're both rumoured to exist but you never actually see one.


What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?

Swim.


What's the difference between the classic Impreza and the Nissan Bluebird?

Damned if I know :D

double post

[Edited by dogmaul - 5/30/2002 10:31:02 AM]

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a scouser.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog: "T-square, do your stuff". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Spreadsheet, do your stuff". Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and
returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said: "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took
out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was clever.

Then the three men turned to the scouser and said, "What can your dog do?"

The scouser called to his dog and said: "Bindipper, do your stuff". Bindipper jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, shagged the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

:D :D

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on
shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this
was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this
crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild,
screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She
looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery
operated pleasure device... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one.

She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent *******," she
screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these
years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

A man is invited to join his fellow workers for a drink down the
pub after work. "Sorry mate" he replies, "the wife wouldn't like it".

"Sod the Wife" says his colleague, "what you do is come out for
a drink with us, then when you get home you go into the bedroom,
slide under the covers and go down on her, she'll be enjoying
herself so much she won't mind what time you came in."

Four hours and several pints later, the guy wanders off home.
When he gets in all the lights are out so everyone is in bed. He
creeps upstairs, climbs under the bed covers and goes down on
his wife. She is groaning and rolling around in pleasure. After a
while he decides he needs a pee so creeps down the hall to the
bathroom. When he gets there he sees his wife sitting on the
throne.

"Bloody Hell, that was quick" he shouts.

"Sssshhhhh" says his wife "you'll wake my mother!".

THE GIRL'S PRAYER
***************

OUR CASH
WHICH ART ON PLASTIC
HALLOWED BE THY NAME
THY CARTIER WATCH
THY PRADA BAG
IN HARRODS
AS IT IS IN SELFRIDGES
GIVE US EACH DAY OUR PLATINUM VISA
AND FORGIVE US OUR OVERDRAFT
AS WE FORGIVE THOSE THAT STOP US SPENDING
AND LEAD US NOT UNTO MARKET STALLS
BUT DELIVER US UNTO LOUIS VUITTON
FOR THINE IS THE GUCCI
THE DIOR AND THE ARMANI
FOR CHANEL No.5 AND ETERNITY

AMEX.



THE BOY'S PRAYER
***************
OUR BEER
WHICH COMETH IN BOTTLES
HALLOWED BE THY ALE
THY WILL BE DRUNK
I WILL BE DRUNK
AT HOME AS WE ARE IN THE PUB
GIVE US EACH DAY OUR DAILY BEVERAGE
AND FORGIVE US OUR SPILLAGES
AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILLEST AGAINST US
AND LEAD US NOT INTO POOFY WINEBARS
OR DETRACT US FROM REAL ALE
FOR MINE IS THE BITTER
THE TOTTY AND THE FOOTY
FOREVER AND EVER

BARMEN !

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her:
"Honey, would you give me a blow job??"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour??"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it.
Or if need be, Mum says she can come down herself and do it. But for f*cks sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."

Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham into his office.

'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance the last few games. You've been f***ing hopeless, completely off form.'

'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'

'Oh dear,' says Ferguson, pretending to care. 'What's up? Posh and Brooklyn okay?

'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me head up.'

'Whatever's the matter, son?' says Fergie.

'Well, boss', says David, 'it's pretty serious. Victoria bought this jigsaw puzzle the other day and.....'

'A f???ing jigsaw?!!!' shouts Sir Alex. 'You're playing ****e because of a f***ing jigsaw?!!!'

'Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!'says David. 'It's really hard, it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and...'

'David, David, David,' says Ferguson. 'You better get a grip son, and quick!!!'

'OK, boss, OK,' says David, 'but.........it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I can't do it and it's doing my head in and........and.... ....and it's a tiger and it's looks easy.......and I can't make the bits fit and, it's really hard, and er, sorry boss and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box...er.......sorry boss.'

'OK, OK, OK,' says Sir Alex, 'Bring the jigsaw in and let's have a look at it, it can't be that difficult'

'Oh thanks, boss,' says David.

So the next David brings the jigsaw into Ferguson's office.

'Here it is, boss.' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box. 'Look, boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a tiger,' Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over Ferguson's desk.

Ferguson looks at what's on his desk, looks up with his head in his hands and says to Beckham...................




'David, put the f***ing Frosties back in the box.'