Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of ale on her head?

A: Beatrix. :D

Oh My God Mark, I hope you haven't started something with this gem... :D

Whats brown & sticky?















A stick :D

what's blue and orange and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool















A Baby with burst armbands :)

A primary school teacher stands up in front of her class on a friday afternoon and says
"I want you to go away over the weekend and come back on monday with a stroy which has a moral" All the kids file out.
They come back in on monday and the teacher asks if anyone has a story. A forest of hands goes up and she picks a little girl. The girl stands up and says
"Over the weekend me and my mummy went shopping and She asked me to carry the bag with the eggs in but I dropped it and they all broke"
"Very good" says the teacher. "And the moral is?"
"Dont put all your eggs in one basket"
"very good, sit down"
The teacher then chooses another little girls who stands up and says.
"We have some chickens who layed some eggs last week. They hatched over the weekend but ony 6 of the 12 hatched"
"Very good" says the teacher "and the moral is"
"dont count your chickens before they hatch"
"very good, sit down"
This continues around the class until there is only little Johnny in the corner left. Reluctantly she chooses him. Little Johnny stand up and says.
"Nothing happened over the weekend but I could tell you a story if you like"
"That will be fine Johnny, get on with it"
"Well its not about me, its about my relative, uncle Bob. He was a fighter pilot in vietnam. One day he got shot down and all he had with him was a knife, a machine gun and a crate of beer.
Before he realised it he was surrounded by vietnamese soldiers. Immediatly he drank the crate of beer. Then he picked up the machine gun and hosed the soldiers. He shot 75 before he ran out of bullets. So he picked up the knife and chopped 24 to pieces before the blade broke. There was only one soldier left so he took him on hand to hand and after a long fight strangled him to death."
By this time the teacher and the entire class is staring open mouthed at Little Johnny. The teacher is the first to speak.
"My god johnny is that story true?"
Little Johnny nods vigorusly.
"But Johnny," asks the teacher "What's the moral in that story?"
"Dont Fu*k with my uncle Bob after he's had a drink."

Q) What's got 8 legs and 1 eye?

















A) 2 chairs and 1/2 a pig's head :D

Q) What's pink & silver and can't turn round in a narrow corridor?










A) A baby with a javelin through it's head :D :D

Whats white and wears tartan trousers?














Rupert the Fridge :D

What's green and hard...?












A frog with a flick-knife :D

Have you heard that Craig David has quit the music business ??

He's gone to play for the English archery team...






(oh dear...)
he's the bow selecta !!

Joe was a successful lawyer but he was increasingly hampered by
incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to
suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is that I can cure your headaches ... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates a terrible headache. The only way to relieve the condition is to remove your testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered whether he had anything to live for. He couldn't even concentrate long enough to answer his own question, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital after the surgery he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought: "That's what I need ... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit," and picked one out. The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the suit and it fit him perfectly. As Joe
admired himself, the salesman said, "How about a new shirt?" Joe
thought for a moment then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe, and
said, "34 sleeve and a 16 1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the
business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman
said,"How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet, and said, "Let's see 91/2 E." Joe was astonished, "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman said, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ...size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha. I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against your spine and give you a hell of a headache."

and finally...

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday".

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and winking,
added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy....eh?"

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry!" :D:D:D:D

Heard about the dyslexic alcoholic.........choked to death on his vimto;)

...or the dyslexic athaeist with insomnia?

Sat up all night wondering if there is a doG :D

[Edited by Scooby Dooby Blue - 5/31/2002 5:37:02 PM]

What do you call a man with a hotel on his head
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Norman Tebbit :p