VW Sharan Tuning (Free !)
01 October 2003, 10:54 PM
#1
2002 VW Sharan belonging to my wife, nice and punchy for a big lump (The car that is), moves quite well given its size and compartively small engine, anyway it was feeling down on power so I took some timings, 0-60 came in 13.5 seconds, 0-100 is still in progress...
Anyway, decided it was down on power as it felt even slower than usual so I looked under the bonnet and found a big piece of black plastic which says TDi (The i is red) so no joy there, nothing whatsoever to fiddle with, no big lever with boost written in big letters, so
I took a few pointers from the Colin Chapman school of automotive design and decided to lose a bit of weight from the near 2 tonne bulk of the car, I removed the following
1 wife (34)
3 small boys aged 4, 6, 7
5 (out of 7) seats
1 Elderley (11) blind Cocker Spaniel (Can I get a disabled badge for her ?)
8 plastic firearms, some beep, some pop, all annoy, hope we never go through a terrorism car search near the airport
7 Sticks fashioned into makeshift firearms
1 Game Boy advance + Mario Cart (lost 2 months ago - result !)
26 Crisp bags, at least one was empty, including a rare Prawn Cocktail Wotsits bag !
1 Boost wrapper (requires commitment the biscuit one and the Coconut one induces coughing such that people think you have bronchitis)
12 Drinks cartons (Aldi Apple and Blaccurrant, yummy, no wonder most still had some still in)
Cuddly toy (not that you would want to cuddle it)
something that fell from the dogs undercarriage (sent to museum of natrual history in London for identification)
901 Parking slips for the Leisure Centre
9 Coats
1 Body Warmer
2 Bath towels (sporting a muddy paw print design on one, the other was just covered in muddy paw prints)
a Beanbag (meant to have gone to charity last year)
Half Eaten McSomething with fries (or should it be flies)
A Vax wet and dry hoover (could come in handy)
A baby Buggy (just in case they wont walk, wtf theyre feet drag on the floor !)
A large selection of CD's, mainly wailing moaning female artists like Dido and Leann Rimes, including 40 quids worth of new ones that had not been mentioned but caused embarrasment on her part and minor rant on mine until I remembered the '24' box set I hadnt mentioned either.
some tapes (nostalgia eh)
Puzzler magazine * 2
several fleeces
7 Fruit Shoot bottles (Crack for kids, second only to Sunny D in inducing lunacy and hyperactivity in the under 10's)
Dog Bowl
A single flip flop
83 biros (1 worder, breifly)
Baseball caps (to many to count)
A bottle of water (The dog gets Evian no less !)
Dog Lead (thats a leash, not for keeping the dog underwater, nut that gives me an idea.....)
Half eaten 'Cheese String' (that became my tea, DOuble Glouscester, mmmm)
Half box of confetti (why I dont know)
Thunderbirds 1,2 and 3
Buzz lightyear (I Come in pieces)
Micro Machines for PC (Recommended spec Pentium MMX 233)
An Action man, Naked (ha ha you have no *****)
Several letters from school on Blue paper with black type (not the easiest combination to read, the secretary must have worked at Bletchley park before school)
Action mans guns (still no pants though)
PC Zone May 03 (middle kid has started nicking my geeky mags)
Atlas of GB (Curly edged and out of date)
12 Lottery Scrathcards (no winners)
Tissues (considerable quantity, some used)
Wet wipes (not very wet after several years, now theres a metaphor, if you get my drift)
Phone charger for long gone phone (possibly even analogue)
Cannon quality floor mats (about 2 stone a piece)
Dog bed (paw print design again, matches towel, 'interesting aroma')
A gross of plastic bags, M and S, Sainsburys, Tesco, Iceland, Aldi, representing the shopping patterns between payday, starts off with M and S and gets progressively less palatable
An unbrella (broken)
Mycroft ! (only kidding)
Ikea picture frame (brand new)
200 kilos of grit, twigs (non firearm), hair, football boot casts,gravel, dried snot, mud dust, sand, dead insects.
Funeral service sheet for my uncle (good job she doesent own the hearse as he would still be in the back)
After this I reckoned I had taken 2200 kilos out of the car but realised that couldnt be right as it only weighed 2 tonnes to bewgin with so settled on 1200 kilos removes which leaves the weight at about 900 kilos, the 0-60 time felt around the low fives, high fours, 100 came up in 12.4.
Anyway, decided it was down on power as it felt even slower than usual so I looked under the bonnet and found a big piece of black plastic which says TDi (The i is red) so no joy there, nothing whatsoever to fiddle with, no big lever with boost written in big letters, so
I took a few pointers from the Colin Chapman school of automotive design and decided to lose a bit of weight from the near 2 tonne bulk of the car, I removed the following
1 wife (34)
3 small boys aged 4, 6, 7
5 (out of 7) seats
1 Elderley (11) blind Cocker Spaniel (Can I get a disabled badge for her ?)
8 plastic firearms, some beep, some pop, all annoy, hope we never go through a terrorism car search near the airport
7 Sticks fashioned into makeshift firearms
1 Game Boy advance + Mario Cart (lost 2 months ago - result !)
26 Crisp bags, at least one was empty, including a rare Prawn Cocktail Wotsits bag !
1 Boost wrapper (requires commitment the biscuit one and the Coconut one induces coughing such that people think you have bronchitis)
12 Drinks cartons (Aldi Apple and Blaccurrant, yummy, no wonder most still had some still in)
Cuddly toy (not that you would want to cuddle it)
something that fell from the dogs undercarriage (sent to museum of natrual history in London for identification)
901 Parking slips for the Leisure Centre
9 Coats
1 Body Warmer
2 Bath towels (sporting a muddy paw print design on one, the other was just covered in muddy paw prints)
a Beanbag (meant to have gone to charity last year)
Half Eaten McSomething with fries (or should it be flies)
A Vax wet and dry hoover (could come in handy)
A baby Buggy (just in case they wont walk, wtf theyre feet drag on the floor !)
A large selection of CD's, mainly wailing moaning female artists like Dido and Leann Rimes, including 40 quids worth of new ones that had not been mentioned but caused embarrasment on her part and minor rant on mine until I remembered the '24' box set I hadnt mentioned either.
some tapes (nostalgia eh)
Puzzler magazine * 2
several fleeces
7 Fruit Shoot bottles (Crack for kids, second only to Sunny D in inducing lunacy and hyperactivity in the under 10's)
Dog Bowl
A single flip flop
83 biros (1 worder, breifly)
Baseball caps (to many to count)
A bottle of water (The dog gets Evian no less !)
Dog Lead (thats a leash, not for keeping the dog underwater, nut that gives me an idea.....)
Half eaten 'Cheese String' (that became my tea, DOuble Glouscester, mmmm)
Half box of confetti (why I dont know)
Thunderbirds 1,2 and 3
Buzz lightyear (I Come in pieces)
Micro Machines for PC (Recommended spec Pentium MMX 233)
An Action man, Naked (ha ha you have no *****)
Several letters from school on Blue paper with black type (not the easiest combination to read, the secretary must have worked at Bletchley park before school)
Action mans guns (still no pants though)
PC Zone May 03 (middle kid has started nicking my geeky mags)
Atlas of GB (Curly edged and out of date)
12 Lottery Scrathcards (no winners)
Tissues (considerable quantity, some used)
Wet wipes (not very wet after several years, now theres a metaphor, if you get my drift)
Phone charger for long gone phone (possibly even analogue)
Cannon quality floor mats (about 2 stone a piece)
Dog bed (paw print design again, matches towel, 'interesting aroma')
A gross of plastic bags, M and S, Sainsburys, Tesco, Iceland, Aldi, representing the shopping patterns between payday, starts off with M and S and gets progressively less palatable
An unbrella (broken)
Mycroft ! (only kidding)
Ikea picture frame (brand new)
200 kilos of grit, twigs (non firearm), hair, football boot casts,gravel, dried snot, mud dust, sand, dead insects.
Funeral service sheet for my uncle (good job she doesent own the hearse as he would still be in the back)
After this I reckoned I had taken 2200 kilos out of the car but realised that couldnt be right as it only weighed 2 tonnes to bewgin with so settled on 1200 kilos removes which leaves the weight at about 900 kilos, the 0-60 time felt around the low fives, high fours, 100 came up in 12.4.
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