Oh To Be 12 Again....
18 November 2009, 12:47 PM
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Oh To Be 12 Again....
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Dave
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Dave
Last edited by hutton_d; 18 November 2009 at 12:52 PM.
18 November 2009, 04:15 PM
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On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Get your facts straight
18 November 2009, 05:54 PM
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THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,2 37.64!! ....What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4.
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,2 37.64!! ....What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4.
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
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18 November 2009, 05:55 PM
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A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
While doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'
'That's right,' said the doctor. ....He then began to fondle her Breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.'
'Correct,' replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?'
'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting syphilis: which is why I came here in the first place.'
The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
While doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'
'That's right,' said the doctor. ....He then began to fondle her Breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.'
'Correct,' replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?'
'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting syphilis: which is why I came here in the first place.'
18 November 2009, 05:56 PM
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Retirement Dinner
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.....
A leading local politician and member of the congregation were chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here..... I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. .....He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. .......I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that...... I had, indeed come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.....
A leading local politician and member of the congregation were chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here..... I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. .....He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. .......I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that...... I had, indeed come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
20 November 2009, 01:51 PM
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A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.... Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband became 93 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful *******s should remember fairies are female.....
20 November 2009, 01:52 PM
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A caller knocks on a door to be answered by a ten year old boy. He is wearing women's underwear, high heeled shoes, fishnets and make-up. He has a lighted cigarette in a holder in his mouth. The caller says " Hi! Is your mum in?" ..................Little boy says "What do you f******g tthink."
20 November 2009, 01:53 PM
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Man goes into a ***** house and says "Have you got a big Black woman I can get naked with, I mean she has to be really huge?" Girl on the desk looks at him thinking "What is it about skinny white guys and big Moma?"
The reseptionist says "OK I'll go tell big moma she has another weido client."
He goes into the room and this huge black woman is there in a little baby doll nighty. She says "Am I what you looking for?" He says "Perfect"
She waddles over to him, "How do you want to do this, I dont want to kill you I am 32 stone you know so we have to be carefull?" Man says "Can you just lie on ya back and get ya knees round ya ears for me?" She says "I'll try"
She gets down on the floor and after a lot of squeeking floorboards she is in position. She waits and she waits? Nothing happens he is just stood there looking at her legs in the air looking thoughtful and scratching his chin! She says "Well aren't you going to hump me?
He says "No I just wanted to see if pink cushions went with a black leather settee or not before I bought them?"
The reseptionist says "OK I'll go tell big moma she has another weido client."
He goes into the room and this huge black woman is there in a little baby doll nighty. She says "Am I what you looking for?" He says "Perfect"
She waddles over to him, "How do you want to do this, I dont want to kill you I am 32 stone you know so we have to be carefull?" Man says "Can you just lie on ya back and get ya knees round ya ears for me?" She says "I'll try"
She gets down on the floor and after a lot of squeeking floorboards she is in position. She waits and she waits? Nothing happens he is just stood there looking at her legs in the air looking thoughtful and scratching his chin! She says "Well aren't you going to hump me?
He says "No I just wanted to see if pink cushions went with a black leather settee or not before I bought them?"
20 November 2009, 01:57 PM
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Young Couple In The Woods Making Love At Night. The Man Says I Wish I Had A Torch To Which His Young Lady Replies So Do I You've Been Licking The Grass For The Last Ten Minutes.
20 November 2009, 01:58 PM
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Paddy walks into his doctors surgery and punches the doctor.......BANG!!!!!!!!.....right in his pus
'What did you do that for!!!!!'....screams the doctor.....
'You told my wife she had a nice f@nny' replies Paddy in a rage.....
'Nah Paddy' says the Doc.........'I told her she had acute angina'.
'What did you do that for!!!!!'....screams the doctor.....
'You told my wife she had a nice f@nny' replies Paddy in a rage.....
'Nah Paddy' says the Doc.........'I told her she had acute angina'.
20 November 2009, 03:57 PM
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An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Australian home. After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful", says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents", Abdullah says with a big smile. "There's a musician here, he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! There is a judge in here, he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'! There's a dentist here, 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?!
And me,I haven't had s*x for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fu@king Arab".
Dave
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful", says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents", Abdullah says with a big smile. "There's a musician here, he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! There is a judge in here, he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'! There's a dentist here, 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?!
And me,I haven't had s*x for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fu@king Arab".
Dave
20 November 2009, 03:58 PM
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At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously.
He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.
She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy.
When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.
"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
"Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"
Dave
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously.
He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.
She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy.
When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.
"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
"Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"
Dave
21 November 2009, 12:09 PM
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Glad to see you didn't call one for me!!!.
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks..' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly snipe at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in. He had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice, said, 'Your wife's ***** doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting EVEN..........
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks..' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly snipe at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in. He had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice, said, 'Your wife's ***** doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting EVEN..........
21 November 2009, 12:15 PM
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A friend of mine was really excited the other day. He would not stop saying 'tonight is the night!' Eventually, I grew tired of this asked if he was finally coming out of the closet. He chuckled, shook his head and told me he was going to see the sneak preview of the new Twilight film that night. I don't get it, what's the difference?
21 November 2009, 12:18 PM
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Back ten centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Muslims had to leave Jerusalem. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Muslim community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Muslim community. If the Muslim won the debate, all the Muslims could stay. If the Pope won, all the Muslims would have to leave.
The Muslims realised that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. But they finally picked their representative, an old Mullah who unknowingly agreed without knowing what he was getting himself into. He agreed only on the condition that neither side be allowed to talk but communicate by miming. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. The Mullah and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mullah looked back at him and raised his middle finger..
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. The Mullah pointed to the ground and stamped his foot.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. The Mullah pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Muslims can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my fingers around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and stamping on it, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple, reminding me of the first sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Muslim community had crowded around the Mullah in total astonishment. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said the Mullah, "First he said to me that we Muslims had three days to leave Jerusalem. I told him up yours. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Muslims. I said none of us leaving this land!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"He took out his lunch and I took out mine," said the Mullah.
The Muslims realised that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. But they finally picked their representative, an old Mullah who unknowingly agreed without knowing what he was getting himself into. He agreed only on the condition that neither side be allowed to talk but communicate by miming. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. The Mullah and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mullah looked back at him and raised his middle finger..
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. The Mullah pointed to the ground and stamped his foot.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. The Mullah pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Muslims can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my fingers around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and stamping on it, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple, reminding me of the first sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Muslim community had crowded around the Mullah in total astonishment. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said the Mullah, "First he said to me that we Muslims had three days to leave Jerusalem. I told him up yours. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Muslims. I said none of us leaving this land!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"He took out his lunch and I took out mine," said the Mullah.
21 November 2009, 12:19 PM
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What's the difference between Thierry Henry and Oliver Cromwell?
One completely raped the Irish people, causing untold misery and hardship that will never be forgiven by anyone who has ever even drunk a pint of Guinness and the other was an English military leader.
One completely raped the Irish people, causing untold misery and hardship that will never be forgiven by anyone who has ever even drunk a pint of Guinness and the other was an English military leader.
22 November 2009, 01:31 PM
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Strangest thing, I have just seen Penelope Pitstop, blacked up like Al Jolson in her compact pussycat, being chased by the Ant Hill mob in a pick up truck all wearing kkk uniforms. And behind them were Dick Dastardley and Muttley, goose stepping and making anti semetic remarks. Bloody wacky racists.
22 November 2009, 01:37 PM
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I was thinking about how the Americans have butchered our language and decided to list a few
'key' words they have spelt incorrectly, i have shown the correct version, then the
American version and noted the letter that is wrong:
English --------------- USA
pyjamas ------------- pajamas --------- Y
moustache ---------- mustache ------ O
colour --------------- color ------------- U
mollusc ------------ mollusk, ---------- C
encyclopaedia ---- encyclopedia ---- A
bannister ---------- banister ---------- N
carburettor -------- carburetor ------- T
cosy ----------------- cozy -------------- S
sulphur ------------- sulfur ------------ P
enquiry ------------- inquiry ---------- E
fuelling ------------- fueling ---------- L
labelling ------------ labeling --------- L
coincidence?
'key' words they have spelt incorrectly, i have shown the correct version, then the
American version and noted the letter that is wrong:
English --------------- USA
pyjamas ------------- pajamas --------- Y
moustache ---------- mustache ------ O
colour --------------- color ------------- U
mollusc ------------ mollusk, ---------- C
encyclopaedia ---- encyclopedia ---- A
bannister ---------- banister ---------- N
carburettor -------- carburetor ------- T
cosy ----------------- cozy -------------- S
sulphur ------------- sulfur ------------ P
enquiry ------------- inquiry ---------- E
fuelling ------------- fueling ---------- L
labelling ------------ labeling --------- L
coincidence?
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