Notices
Non Scooby Related Anything Non-Scooby related

Oh To Be 12 Again....

Thread Tools
 
Search this Thread
 
Old 18 November 2009, 12:55 PM
  #2  
Leslie
Scooby Regular
 
Leslie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 39,877
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

There but for the grace of god........................!

Les
Old 18 November 2009, 01:30 PM
  #3  
cookstar
Scooby Regular
iTrader: (6)
 
cookstar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Stroke it baby!
Posts: 33,828
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

Old 18 November 2009, 02:17 PM
  #4  
David Lock
Scooby Regular
 
David Lock's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2000
Location: Weston Super Mare, Somerset.
Posts: 14,102
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

And finally as a big treat he took her to have tea at her pop start hero's, Gary Glitter
Old 18 November 2009, 04:15 PM
  #5  
Coffin Dodger
Scooby Regular
 
Coffin Dodger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Bring back infractions!
Posts: 4,554
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

Originally Posted by hutton_d
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Aside from the Corkscrew don't ever remember any of those rides being at Alton Towers. As of this year the Corkscrew is also no more.

Get your facts straight
Old 18 November 2009, 04:54 PM
  #6  
SwissTony
Scooby Regular
iTrader: (19)
 
SwissTony's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: In the Doghouse
Posts: 28,226
Received 12 Likes on 3 Posts
Default

CD - the victor meldrew of SN
Old 18 November 2009, 05:54 PM
  #7  
SVXNUT
Scooby Regular
 
SVXNUT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: I live in Wheelock near Sandbach Cheshire.
Posts: 801
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,2 37.64!! ....What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4.

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
Old 18 November 2009, 05:55 PM
  #8  
SVXNUT
Scooby Regular
 
SVXNUT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: I live in Wheelock near Sandbach Cheshire.
Posts: 801
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

While doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?'

'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'

'That's right,' said the doctor. ....He then began to fondle her Breasts.

'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.

'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.'

'Correct,' replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?'

'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting syphilis: which is why I came here in the first place.'
Old 18 November 2009, 05:56 PM
  #9  
SVXNUT
Scooby Regular
 
SVXNUT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: I live in Wheelock near Sandbach Cheshire.
Posts: 801
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

Retirement Dinner
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.....

A leading local politician and member of the congregation were chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here..... I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. .....He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. .......I was appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that...... I had, indeed come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
Old 18 November 2009, 06:05 PM
  #10  
WRX_Dazza
Scooby Regular
 
WRX_Dazza's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Going further than the station and back !!! ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz
Posts: 11,097
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

hahaahahah, great jokes here !! lol
Old 20 November 2009, 01:51 PM
  #11  
SVXNUT
Scooby Regular
 
SVXNUT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: I live in Wheelock near Sandbach Cheshire.
Posts: 801
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.... Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband became 93 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful *******s should remember fairies are female.....
Old 20 November 2009, 01:52 PM
  #12  
SVXNUT
Scooby Regular
 
SVXNUT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: I live in Wheelock near Sandbach Cheshire.
Posts: 801
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

A caller knocks on a door to be answered by a ten year old boy. He is wearing women's underwear, high heeled shoes, fishnets and make-up. He has a lighted cigarette in a holder in his mouth. The caller says " Hi! Is your mum in?" ..................Little boy says "What do you f******g tthink."
Old 20 November 2009, 01:53 PM
  #13  
SVXNUT
Scooby Regular
 
SVXNUT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: I live in Wheelock near Sandbach Cheshire.
Posts: 801
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

Man goes into a ***** house and says "Have you got a big Black woman I can get naked with, I mean she has to be really huge?" Girl on the desk looks at him thinking "What is it about skinny white guys and big Moma?"
The reseptionist says "OK I'll go tell big moma she has another weido client."

He goes into the room and this huge black woman is there in a little baby doll nighty. She says "Am I what you looking for?" He says "Perfect"

She waddles over to him, "How do you want to do this, I dont want to kill you I am 32 stone you know so we have to be carefull?" Man says "Can you just lie on ya back and get ya knees round ya ears for me?" She says "I'll try"

She gets down on the floor and after a lot of squeeking floorboards she is in position. She waits and she waits? Nothing happens he is just stood there looking at her legs in the air looking thoughtful and scratching his chin! She says "Well aren't you going to hump me?

He says "No I just wanted to see if pink cushions went with a black leather settee or not before I bought them?"
Old 20 November 2009, 01:57 PM
  #14  
SVXNUT
Scooby Regular
 
SVXNUT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: I live in Wheelock near Sandbach Cheshire.
Posts: 801
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

Young Couple In The Woods Making Love At Night. The Man Says I Wish I Had A Torch To Which His Young Lady Replies So Do I You've Been Licking The Grass For The Last Ten Minutes.
Old 20 November 2009, 01:58 PM
  #15  
SVXNUT
Scooby Regular
 
SVXNUT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: I live in Wheelock near Sandbach Cheshire.
Posts: 801
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

Paddy walks into his doctors surgery and punches the doctor.......BANG!!!!!!!!.....right in his pus
'What did you do that for!!!!!'....screams the doctor.....

'You told my wife she had a nice f@nny' replies Paddy in a rage.....

'Nah Paddy' says the Doc.........'I told her she had acute angina'.
Old 20 November 2009, 04:04 PM
  #18  
Jamie
Super Muppet
 
Jamie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Inside out
Posts: 33,364
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

Taxi for dave hutton please
Old 21 November 2009, 12:09 PM
  #19  
SVXNUT
Scooby Regular
 
SVXNUT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: I live in Wheelock near Sandbach Cheshire.
Posts: 801
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

Glad to see you didn't call one for me!!!.

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks..' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly snipe at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in. He had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice, said, 'Your wife's ***** doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting EVEN..........
Old 21 November 2009, 12:14 PM
  #20  
SVXNUT
Scooby Regular
 
SVXNUT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: I live in Wheelock near Sandbach Cheshire.
Posts: 801
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

What happened when Jesus went to mount olive?

Popeye kicked the f**k out of him.
Old 21 November 2009, 12:15 PM
  #21  
SVXNUT
Scooby Regular
 
SVXNUT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: I live in Wheelock near Sandbach Cheshire.
Posts: 801
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

A friend of mine was really excited the other day. He would not stop saying 'tonight is the night!' Eventually, I grew tired of this asked if he was finally coming out of the closet. He chuckled, shook his head and told me he was going to see the sneak preview of the new Twilight film that night. I don't get it, what's the difference?
Old 21 November 2009, 12:18 PM
  #22  
SVXNUT
Scooby Regular
 
SVXNUT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: I live in Wheelock near Sandbach Cheshire.
Posts: 801
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

Back ten centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Muslims had to leave Jerusalem. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Muslim community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Muslim community. If the Muslim won the debate, all the Muslims could stay. If the Pope won, all the Muslims would have to leave.
The Muslims realised that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. But they finally picked their representative, an old Mullah who unknowingly agreed without knowing what he was getting himself into. He agreed only on the condition that neither side be allowed to talk but communicate by miming. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. The Mullah and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mullah looked back at him and raised his middle finger..

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. The Mullah pointed to the ground and stamped his foot.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. The Mullah pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Muslims can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my fingers around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and stamping on it, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple, reminding me of the first sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Muslim community had crowded around the Mullah in total astonishment. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said the Mullah, "First he said to me that we Muslims had three days to leave Jerusalem. I told him up yours. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Muslims. I said none of us leaving this land!"

"And then?" asked a woman.

"He took out his lunch and I took out mine," said the Mullah.
Old 21 November 2009, 12:19 PM
  #23  
SVXNUT
Scooby Regular
 
SVXNUT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: I live in Wheelock near Sandbach Cheshire.
Posts: 801
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

What's the difference between Thierry Henry and Oliver Cromwell?

One completely raped the Irish people, causing untold misery and hardship that will never be forgiven by anyone who has ever even drunk a pint of Guinness and the other was an English military leader.
Old 22 November 2009, 01:31 PM
  #24  
SVXNUT
Scooby Regular
 
SVXNUT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: I live in Wheelock near Sandbach Cheshire.
Posts: 801
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

Strangest thing, I have just seen Penelope Pitstop, blacked up like Al Jolson in her compact pussycat, being chased by the Ant Hill mob in a pick up truck all wearing kkk uniforms. And behind them were Dick Dastardley and Muttley, goose stepping and making anti semetic remarks. Bloody wacky racists.
Old 22 November 2009, 01:37 PM
  #25  
SVXNUT
Scooby Regular
 
SVXNUT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: I live in Wheelock near Sandbach Cheshire.
Posts: 801
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Default

I was thinking about how the Americans have butchered our language and decided to list a few
'key' words they have spelt incorrectly, i have shown the correct version, then the
American version and noted the letter that is wrong:

English --------------- USA

pyjamas ------------- pajamas --------- Y
moustache ---------- mustache ------ O
colour --------------- color ------------- U

mollusc ------------ mollusk, ---------- C
encyclopaedia ---- encyclopedia ---- A
bannister ---------- banister ---------- N
carburettor -------- carburetor ------- T

cosy ----------------- cozy -------------- S
sulphur ------------- sulfur ------------ P
enquiry ------------- inquiry ---------- E
fuelling ------------- fueling ---------- L
labelling ------------ labeling --------- L

coincidence?
Related Topics
Thread
Thread Starter
Forum
Replies
Last Post
alcazar
Non Scooby Related
10
10 September 2015 01:26 PM
RON
Southern (England)
54
05 April 2007 11:00 AM
BeeSTi
Non Scooby Related
18
26 March 2007 10:06 PM
RON
Southern (England)
83
13 March 2007 10:09 PM



Quick Reply: Oh To Be 12 Again....



All times are GMT +1. The time now is 08:22 AM.