Dapster

Edmund: "Percy, I don't want to sound pedantic, but the colour of gold, is gold. Hence the name. What you have created here, if it has a name, is some green"

..or...

Percy "Thank you for inviting me to have breakfast with you Edmund"
Edmund "Well you know what they say Perce, discourse and banter help man rise above the savages and closer to God."
Percy "Yes, I had heard that"
Edmund "Although I prefer to have breakfast with a complete moron to remind me who's best"

...or...

"A purse as big as an elephants ******* and twice as difficult to get your hands around"
"If I wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther"
"Since Captian 'Rather a Walley' Raleigh has returned and the whole court smells of fish, I've half a mind to leave now"

I could go on. Series 2, fantastic stuff...

ian_sadler

Strange name for a girl, bob

messiah

I like you Bob - You've Got *****!

messiah

The Bishop of Bath & Wells ;

"Argh! Poisoned by God!"
"No by Baldrick actually - but the effect is much the same"

Leonardo de Acropolis

"Are you any good"
"NO! I'M A GEYYNIUS!

RichB

bladder: "he was trying to kill you sir"
princethicky "oh tish and pish blackadder, what ever makes you say that"
bladder: "well sir, my suspicions were first aroused by the use of the words 'death to the stupid prince'

"Lord Flash, where have you been?"
"Where haven't I been, woof!"

messiah

"Hello bridesmaid - like the beard! Gives me something to grab onto!"

TVR Gary

madder than mad mcMad the madest person in Madington

Dicke C

Thats the one I was trying to remember....classic

Mr Gee

"Why have you got 2 pencils shoved up your nostrils Baldrick?"

"I've come as a pencil case Sir !"

messiah

After Percy had recited the tale of some hidden money...

"Heard it, Found It, Spent It."

The_Lizard

King Richard : St Juniper once said, "By his loins shall ye know him and by the length of his rod shall he be measured." The length of my rod is a mystery to all but the Queen, and a thousand Turkish hoards, but the fruits of my loins are here for all to see.

SJ_Skyline

The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd!

The_Lizard

Friar Bellows: Surely not Canon Jack Smollett senior arch-deacon of the Dioses of St Bothar, the entrail-eating heretic of Bath and Wells?

Wilfred Death: No. I'm talking of unspeakably violent Jack, the bull-buggering beast-killer of no-fixed-abode.

TurboKitty

Squadron Commander Lord Flasheart: Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out I'm missing, five hundred girls will kill themselves. Hello? Cancel the state funeral, tell the king to stop blubbing, Flash is not dead! I simply ran out of juice! And before five hundred girls all go 'oh, what's the point in living any more?' I'm talking about petrol! Woof! Send someone along to pick me up. General Melchett's driver will do, she hangs round with a big *** so she'll be used to a fellow like me. Woof!

Captain Edmund Blackadder: Look, do you think you could make your obscene phone call somewhere else?

Squadron Commander Lord Flasheart: No, not in half an hour you rubber desk-johnny! Send the bitch with the wheels right now or I'll fly back home and give your wife something to hang her towels on!
hangs up

TurboKitty

Nursie: Ointment, that's what you need when your head's cut off.


Bishop of Bath and Wells: Never have I encountered such foul, mindless perversity! Have you considered a career in the church?


Edmund Blackadder: It is said that the civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that by learned discourse, he may rise above the savage, and be closer to God. Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total ******** to remind me that I'm best.


Lord Melchett: Gray, I suspect, your Majesty.
Queen Elizabeth I: I think you'll find they were orange, Lord Melchett.
Lord Melchett: Gray is more usual, Ma'am.
Queen Elizabeth I: Who's Queen?
Lord Melchett: As you say, Majesty. There were these magnificent orange elephants...

TurboKitty

Blackadder: Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you into long strips and telling the Prince you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?

hail-hail

Gen. Melchett: What I want you to do, Blackadder, is to labour night and day to find a first rate artist from amongst your men.

Cpt. Blackadder: Impossible sir. I know from long experience that my men have all the artistic talent of a cluster of colourblind hedgehogs... in a bag.

TurboKitty

Trying to find a bride for the Prince
Blackadder: Of the 262 princesses in Europe, 165 are over 80 - they're out - 47 are under 10 - they're out - and 39 are mad.
Baldrick: They sound ideal.
Blackadder: They would be if they hadn't all got married last week in Munich to the same horse.

scoobydooooo

[On Charlie Chaplin]
I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it.

Boss Hogg

From Blackadders' court martial in Blackadder goes fourth:

Baldrick: Do not despair, sir. All my talk of food was just a dead herring. In fact, I have a cunning plan. This is not food, but an escape kit.
Cpt. Blackadder: Good Lord! A saw, a hammer, a chisel, a gun, a change of clothes, a Swiss passport, and a huge false moustache, I may just stand a chance.
Baldrick: Ah....
Cpt. Blackadder: Let's see, what have we here? A small painted wooden duck.
Baldrick: Yeah, I thought if you get caught near water, you can balance it on the top of your head as a brilliant disguise.
Cpt. Blackadder: Yeeeesss, I would, of course, have to escape first. Ah, but what's this, unless I'm much mistaken, a hammer and a chisel?
Baldrick: You are much mistaken!
Cpt. Blackadder: A pencil and a miniature trumpet.
Baldrick: Yes, a pencil so you can drop me a postcard to tell me how the break out went and a small little tiny miniature trumpet in case during your escape, you have to win favour with a difficult child.
Cpt. Blackadder: A change of clothes?
Baldrick: Yes sir, of course I wouldn't forget a change of clothes.
Cpt. Blackadder: Ah, now that's something, let's see.....a Robin Hood costume.
Baldrick: I put in a French peasant's outfit first, but then I thought 'What if you arrive in a French peasant's village and they're in the middle of a fancy dress party?'
Cpt. Blackadder: And what if I arrive in a French peasant village, dressed in a Robin Hood costume and there isn't a fancy dress party?
Baldrick: Well, to be quite frank sir, I didn't consider that eventuality, because if you did, you'd stick out like a....
Cpt. Blackadder: [interrupting] Like a man standing in a lake with a small painted wooden duck on his head?
Baldrick: Exactly!

289

I have the preliminary etchings

Chris L

Balckadder to old crow: "Yes it is. Not 'that it be'. I'm not some bloody tourist."



Chris

Dapster

Names and dates made up but you get the picture...

Edmund reading the inscription on a tombstone "Here lies Charles David Hawthorn, born 1567 in Chelmsford, died 1592 in... agony with a spike up his bottom"

daiscooby

Queen Elizabeth: Do you know who I am ?.
Blackadder : Yes, your Merlin the happy pig.


Capt Blackadder : Coffee Darling?
Capt Darling: Yes, thanks, two lumps
Capt Blackadder : Can we manage a two lumps Baldrick ?.
Baldrick : Certainly try sir
Capt Darling: Oh can you make it a milky one
(hawking and spitting noises.)
(Capt Darling is handed his coffee)
Capt Darling: Ah Cappucino !

Dapster

Edmund: "Luckily for us, Dunny-on-the-Wold is a rotton borough"
Prince: "Really? Lucky us! Luck, luck, luck, lucky, laaa-rrk, laarkk, laarrkk.."
Edmund, interrupting: "Sir, you don't know what at rotton borough is do you?"
Prince: "Er, no"
Edmund: "Then what's with the chicken impressions?"
Prince: "Never mind that, what's a robber button?"

chiark

Believe me,Baldric, an eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all his hellish minions will be as nothing compared to five minutes alone with me...and this pencil.

chiark

And the oft-quoted (by me at least) "I think the phrase rhymes with 'clucking bell'"

Or "Like private parts to the Gods are we, they play with us for their sport." - Melchett to Blackadder

"Sir, you are one of the most foul, disgusting, immoral, perverted men that I have ever known. Have you considered a career in the church?" - The Baby Eating Bishop...

Nimbus

Naive: Sir! I have an urgent message from the Queen!
EB: You're really beginig to anoy me...



FB: I have in my hand a bag of monies... Which I'm not going to give you...


EB: "One more insult from him and the contract between us will be as broken as this milk jug."
Baldric: "But that milk jug isn't broken."
EB: "You really do walk into these things, don't you Baldric ?"



Edmund: Aah, and who is Jane?
Percy: I'm sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me, you shall never know. Ooh, ouch... Jane Herrington. We're very much in love, my lord.
Edmund: This is the Jane Herrington?
Percy: Yes.
Edmund: Jane - bury-me-in-a-Y-shaped-coffin - Herrington.
Percy: I.., I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons.
Edmund: No... Tall, blond, elegant?
Percy: Right, that's right.
Edmund: Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town? Come on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her. ...
Edmund: I did. ...
Edmund: So did Baldrick actually.



Prince George: "To me, Blackadder, socks are like sex. Tons of it about, and I never seem to get any."



And my all time fav....


Edmund: We are proud of our comic-serving wench voice, aren't we? if you can say 'Zur' instead of 'Sir, it seems at all social gatherings that tedious little turd who keeps putting on amusing voices.

Prince Ludwig: Be quiet!

Edmund: What else have you got in your outstandingly inventive repertoire, I wonder? Aaah, a brilliant drunk Glasweigan, no doubt. A hilarious black man 'See you Jimmy, where am that watty-melon'. I can't wait for your side splitting poof and that funny little croaky one who isn't anyone in particular, but it's such a scream. And most of all, that one you do all the time, that fatheaded German Chambrepot, standing in front of me.

Nimbus

And this one....


Prince Ludwig: Forgive me, Herr Blackadder..I have been neglecting my duties as a host. Please accept my a-po'-lo'-gies.

Edmund: I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.

Prince Ludwig: I hope this scum has not in-con-weenienced you.

Edmund: It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to inconweenience me.

Prince Ludwig: Good, if he had inconweenienced you, I was going to offer you his tongue.

Edmund: If he had inconweeniened me, you would not have a tongue with which to make such an offer.

Prince Ludwig: Let me assure you, Herr Blackadder, if I no longer had a tongue with which to make such an offer, you will no longer have a tongue with which to tell me, that if I had inconweenienced you, I will no longer have a tongue with which to offer you his tongue.

Edmund: Well, enough of this banter. Who the hell are you, sausage breath?

albob

"Melchett: Well, I hope so, Blackadder. You know, if there's one thing I've learned from being in the army, it's never ignore a pooh-pooh. I knew a major: got pooh-poohed; made the mistake of ignoring the pooh-pooh -- he pooh-poohed it. Fatal error, because it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing a lot of other officers, who pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs. In the end, we had to disband the regiment -- morale totally destroyed ... by pooh-pooh! "

its all down to pooh-pooh in the end alan